Starting Over in Your 40s

Life changes in your 40s. In fact, the day I turned 40 years old, I looked around at my surroundings and thought “this is not the life I want to live forever and I have to do something about it.” There was no denying the fact that I had hit, what may very well be, midlife, and if I wanted to get to some of my dreams, the time was now. I’m now in my mid-40s and I can say that the urgency has only increased as I move through life.

Starting over in your 40s can seem intimidating and overwhelming, and depending on what you’re running towards, it might feel that way more times than not. Sometimes it may even feel like you’ve missed the boat or you’re too late. The way I think of it (and I’m summarizing this from something I heard) is that we are going to be living anyway. We may as well be doing something we love while we live. I think that’s pretty solid advice.

Doing a midlife reset doesn’t mean you have to blow your entire life up all at once. You could, but in my case, I’ve made thousands of small decisions each day that have converted my life into one of existing in a place I don’t want to be to moving towards a life that I dream about. Lessons have been learned, lots of data has been gathered, and you know enough through life experiences to create some magic for yourself. I’m screaming “go for it” all day long. There’s something powerful about realizing you still have time. Not just to make small adjustments, but to completely change the trajectory of your life if that’s what you want.

Change can be perceived as a setback, a failure, an act of confusion. People may question your decisions because changes make them uncomfortable, especially if they’ve never considered making similar changes themselves. But you and I both know that the changes that can be made in this decade of life will lead you to a place you never knew existed. If quitting the job, moving to the new city, or getting out of an unfulfilling relationship is what you’re thinking, let’s go on this journey together.

It’s easy to think you’re alone when you wake up and realize that the life you’re living is no longer a match for who you’ve evolved into. You look around, everyone around you is seemingly fine (but not overly excited) about the way their lives have turned out. Maybe you wonder if you’re just ungrateful. I’ve been there. I’ve thought “is 40 too late to start over?” For me, it was just the beginning.

Only when I hit the age of 40 did I really start questioning the decisions I have made in life. There is some perspective shift that happens that many people in their 40s experience, and it’s likely because you’re older and have had more life to reflect on. You’re still young, but you’re old enough to find a lot of discernment. It’s also likely that you realize you’ve outgrown a lot of people and activities that once seemed fun.

Now that we have social media, that adds another layer to how we perceive our own lives and the lives of others. While many people post the highlights, it’s hard not to wonder if other people simply just have it together. In fact, I was asked by a friend to post more of the hard days so that people see both sides. It’s a fair ask, and something I’m working on because it is rather vulnerable. What I do know is that it helps create a more well-rounded picture of what life actually looks like for someone navigating big changes, not just the days where life feels good.

The bottom line is that new beginnings in your 40s might not actually be brand new. There may just come a day when you reflect on how you got here, got so much wiser, so much more capable, and you realize you want more. It’s really where the rubber meets the road, and you wake up knowing that you like the person you’re becoming and you want to see more of her (or him). Life starts to get really good in your 40s if you let it. The journey is fascinating.

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Ha! I am living proof that a person can start over in their 40s. Heck, I’m still starting over what feels like every year in this beautiful decade of my life. At the time I am writing this, I am actively shutting down a 15 year real estate career, building a new, remote company, selling a house, and moving 3 pets and myself to Paris, France. I’m in my mid-40s and going stronger than ever in life. If you want to reinvent yourself in your 40s, talk to me. I’ve done everything short of changing my name.

The level of competence felt in one’s 40s is undeniable, particularly if you’ve taken some micro chances and made minor changes to test the waters. I’m not a huge advocate of suddenly changing everything, but daily habits create a life that you lead. If your days don’t look like the life you want to live, then start there. Wake up earlier, clean up your laundry off of the floor, and do something that lights you up and moves you toward the ultimate goal.

Take it from me, as an entrepreneur, and someone who had no idea she could write (and get paid for it!), giving myself a fresh start at 40 has led me to this move to Paris. There was no way I could’ve known that my first blog (written out of frustration for my previous life) would give me the freedom to move out of the country. You’re just getting started in your 40s, so embrace the reinvention and excitement that can come with this stage of life.

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If you’ve suddenly jolted into life after being asleep most of your life, or realized all of a sudden that you’re living someone else’s version of life, significant changes could feel intimidating. Breaking up the process into more bite-size steps is the way to go, and even I do that. What feels like massive change was simply small steps each day towards a bigger goal. Here’s how to start these modifications.

Assess Your Current Life Situation

To look forward, we must look back first. Gaining a good understanding of where you are in your current life is imperative. Keeping a journal has helped me to realize how I’ve allowed myself to be stuck, and it then prompted me to get un-stuck when I realized I’m writing the same gripes month after month, year after year.

Evaluate everything, from your career, your finances, relationships, health, spirituality, and general contentedness and satisfaction in life. My suspicion is that if you’re doing this, you might be looking for a shift. Getting to know yourself in a more in depth way will allow you to figure out how to move forward.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed during this process, you’re not alone. I’ve been there on many days. It would be strange not to feel uncertainty and discomfort sometimes. During difficult or challenging seasons, it’s helpful to focus on what we can control and take a step in that direction. If you’re struggling with that right now, you may find my article on how to stay positive when nothing is going right helpful.

Identify What is No Longer Fulfilling or Aligned

This is where things got real for me. When I hit 40, I knew I didn’t want to stay married to my then husband, and I needed to find a way to create a community that got me through some of the hardest times in my life. I also knew I didn’t want to continue to accept the family dynamics that were currently at play, and I started to place boundaries around people who took full advantage of the old version of me.

While this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, it’s also been the most fulfilling for me because I got to see what I really meant to people when I stepped into a more true version of myself. It also gave me a lot more confidence and I was able to do more with less worry about what others thought. Starting life over at 40 was something that school never could teach.

Define What Your Next Chapter Should Look Like

Doing a little dreamwork is something that was completely out of my comfort zone prior to my 40s because I had essentially lost who I was over the years. People put their own agendas on me, and I unknowingly took them and ran with them. I became what other people wanted me to be, and I ended up hating myself for it. That’s when I knew things had to change, and I had to start dreaming again.

As I said, journaling gave me the ability to put on paper what I wanted and needed out of my own life to feel good about waking up each day. It’s how I came to the decision that writing was my future, real estate was not, being married was too restrictive (and would always be until I got my sea legs), and getting out of the city where all my trauma happened was essential.

I have been saving my own life since I hit 40.

And I am so incredibly proud of myself.

43rd Birthday

Build a Realistic Transition Plan with Timelines

Change sometimes happens overnight, but intentional change usually does not. For example, I wanted to decrease my alcohol consumption, but I merely thought about it for years. Never did I do anything until one day I did. I went a month without it, then another month later that year. Now, I barely drink and I love my life so much more. I’m the happiest non-drinking human on earth, and I love myself for it. But first I had to take baby steps. And that started with just the thought “what if….”

My plan to move to Paris is another gigantic, massive choice that I have had to break down into the tiniest of bits and bites. Some days all I do is sell something on Facebook marketplace or clean out part of a closet. I research apartments and rentals, call the vet and ask if they can help me prep my pets for arrival. Each step becomes something that, soon, I’ll be sitting on my Paris balcony thinking “I fucking did this.”

Strengthen Financial Stability Before Major Changes

This was a huge one. I hired a financial coach that essentially put me on a path to success with what I had, what I wanted to do, and how I was going to get there. Some people have more financial literacy than others, and I needed help and wasn’t shy about that. Budgeting has never been my strong suit (still isn’t) but goal setting is. I combined the two with a coach and I figured out how to live a pretty comfortable life as a single woman who owns a home, a nice car, and has 3 pets. Oh, and has 2 businesses that support me.

Develop New Skills or Qualifications if Needed

Let’s say you’re like me and you own a real estate company in New Orleans but want to move to Paris. How on earth do you make that happen? In my constant pursuit of happiness and exploration of new skills, I developed the skill to write in a way that people liked enough to get paid. Had I never tippy typed a single word onto a screen, I never would’ve known this. And I never would’ve been able to move to France and supported myself (with the help of my house proceeds) in this transition.

Whatever you decide you want to do, whether it’s become a yoga teacher, a pottery maker, a real estate agent, or other, the first thing is first: try it. You will never know unless you actually do the thing, so go figure out something you may like and try it. More than not, I’ve realized I never want to do x thing again, but guess what? I tried it.

Start with Small, Low-Risk Steps Before Full Transition

I repeat: you do not need to blow up your entire life all at once. It might sound like a good idea (I love this idea, if I’m being honest), but it’s not. The older I get, the more I realize that doing irreparable damage wins you zero points in life. Not in yours, not in others’. When you realize that you are craving a change, get a little quiet, a little pensive, and start to think about one small thing you can do to make this happen. For me, it was listing 3 items on marketplace and selling them. That was my start to moving to Paris.

Once you gain some momentum, life has a very interesting way of showing you the path, and paving the way. When we desire something, whatever you believe in (God for me, maybe for you the universe) will set a beautiful, undeniable force within you and you won’t be able to deny the pull towards the life you so desire. But start with a test play. See how it lands. When you think “this feels right” then keep going. The snowball will start to fall down the mountain.

44th Birthday

Location absolutely plays a major role in starting over. Whether it’s escaping a city that caused you some serious pain (like myself), financial impact like cost of living, a career opportunity, lifestyle quality, and general happiness, your location is a big deal. Some places provide a better environment for your new beginnings in your 40s than others. I’m not going to list out places for you to move, as I have no idea what your needs are. I will give you some pointers on what to consider when choosing, though.

Some things to consider when choosing the best place for you to make a fresh start:

Lower Cost of Living

Ironically, Paris appealed to me because they have rent control and the cost of living is actually less expensive for me than in New Orleans. I won’t have to have a car, and food is generally less expensive.

Strong Job Opportunities

If you’re not a business owner and you’re depending on a place with a good job market, that’s the first thing I would consider in my search. Where in the world has a good job market, and how do I obtain a job?

Walkability and Lifestyle

I’m done with having a car. I’ve driven people around for 15 years, and I’ve had just about enough. Being able to walk from one side of a city to the other was a major factor in choosing where to live. Eating on terraces and watching the world go by was another. Choose a city where lifestyle is a priority.

Family and Support Systems

A big trend these days is that grandparents move to where their adult kids and grandchildren go. If support is a big thing for you, perhaps it’s time for all of you to make a decision on the next best place for you to thrive. It’s great to have family support, and it’s achievable if everyone wants something similar.

A Sense of Adventure

There are some people who crave the adventure. More and more I see people traveling with their pets all over the world, being digital nomads, testing out multiple countries and cities. If a big adventure awaits you, know that it’s completely within your reach. See how you can make it happen.

45th Birthday

Oh my gosh, how long do you have? There are so many normalcies when it comes to feeling awkward or uncomfortable when making changes in this decade of your life. Understanding some of these obstacles may help you get past them.

Fear of Failure

No one wants to be the cringe of the group. Our perception of failure is so negative, yet the only successful people I know failed and failed, more times than not. It’s what makes you have success, in fact. Reframe what failure means, and know that the more you fail, the closer you are to your dreams.

Financial Concerns

I’ll share very personal feelings around this. As a single woman who owns a home, pays for everything alone, and depends on her businesses to support her, I am petrified at times of money. A friend of mine told me I need to completely give my worries over to God, and when I did, I knew somehow things would be ok. I’ve had to maintain that mentality each day, as I am always at the ready to spiral out of control with fear. The money always comes, and somehow it just works. Don’t let money be the only stop to pursuing your dreams.

Judgment from Others

Most people will not understand why you’re doing things differently. It likely will not serve them if you’re becoming a different person and unavailable to their needs, so be mindful of who you’re sharing with and who you’re taking criticism from. My advice is to not take any judgment from a person who has never been in the shoes you’re walking. Only you really know what you’re doing, so don’t let the vampires yuck your yum.

Patience During Transition

From the queen of IMpatience, I am here to tell you that patience is now my friend and my ally in my decade of change. Haste is not good for long-term change, and it’s a good thing to keep in mind. My friends often remind me of how, when I make a decision, I simply want it fully implemented and running like a smooth operation. It doesn’t work that way, and I encourage you to give yourself grace for when you do lose your cool. Change takes time, and meaningful change takes even more time.

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Turning 40 was a pivotal time for me, and as it turns out, for many others as well. Some feel like they want to completely start over, and some couldn’t fathom it. If you are in the camp of wanting something different for yourself, you’re in the right place and in good company. Despite some of the decisions in this decade so far being pretty radical, I truly couldn’t be happier. There are days where I get overwhelmed and unbalanced, but I have enough wisdom and knowledge in life to bring myself back to home.

Whether you’ve woken up and realized you want a new career, out of a relationship, or a whole different landscape to wake up to, your 40s couldn’t be a better time to make this happen. You’re old enough to appreciate it, and young enough to course correct if things don’t go the way you thought. The most important thing is to make the first move. Get started. Before you know it, you’ll look back and wonder whose life you’re living, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised it’s your own.

If you could relate to this piece,  you may also want to read becoming the main character of your life or preparing for my second half of life.

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