How to Create the Life You Want

Every so often, I believe it’s natural to look at your life and wonder how you got to where you are. Sometimes it’s through intentional actions, and other times it’s due to old habits or programming. Wherever you are, you can pivot if it’s not feeling aligned with who you are at that moment and create a life purpose that means something to you. Everything might look good to the outside or on paper, but you know in your heart that there’s something else beyond where you are and what you’re doing. You may be craving a career change, a move, or a divorce. Whatever it is, you know you have to go for it to exist in a life that you want.

The reality is that creating the life you want is not one big decision or moment. It’s a series of processes, habits, and mindset that gets you to a different place - a space that you want to live in. When you get down to your values, goals, and vision for the future, it becomes simpler to know the small steps. Rarely can you predict the exact outcome of the future, but you know that taking action is where you must start. The rest will unfold in the most amazing ways.

As the saying goes, I am like a cat and have nine lives…at least. I’ve had many iterations of my life, most of which I wanted at the time, some of which I simply allowed to happen to me. A big lesson I’ve learned is that you can only take the next right step, and that has come from a lot of internal work. Getting very clear on what I believe to be is the next best decision has taken quieting myself, going inward, and cutting out any noise from others. I’ve evaluated and re-evaluated every person, career choice, and place I’ve lived in order for me to get clear on what’s next for me.

Whether you’re rethinking a relationship, your career, your personal development, or something as simple as what you do first thing in the morning, each intentional decision guides you to a life that feels more aligned and purposeful. One day you’ll wake up and wonder “How did I get here?” And you’ll mean it in all the best ways.

9 Lives (or More)

If you’re interested, genuinely interested, in creating the life you want, then you have to first accept that every decision matters. The way that you are living today is a compilation of thousands of choices, unconscious or conscious, that you have made throughout your life. It will only perpetuate if you keep this path, and that’s something you have to assess for yourself if you want or not. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you’re ready for a change.

Building a life that is yours starts with identifying what your values are and doing a little dreaming and fantasizing about a life that you want. After that, you’ll want to start getting a better understanding of how you currently spend your time, who surrounds you, what work you do, and what you prioritize. How do you feel about it? Does something feel off? These are some of the core elements of how you build your future.

Everything you do and everyone you surround yourself with contributes to the way your life is going right now. As I’ve learned, you can’t overhaul everything overnight. Instead, you prioritize the first thing, and make that first. Small changes are sustainable, and once you master a change, it becomes part of you, and you move onto the next thing. This is a step by step process that cannot be rushed. Think of it as one conversation, one decision, one evening of not drinking. Eventually, this will add up to a very different looking life. Remember, if a ship in the ocean turns a mere 2 degrees, it will end up on a completely different continent.

I’m writing this as an American, and someone who grew up in the south part of the United States. Societal norms involve things like: go to college, meet a partner, marry, have children, possibly quit your job to raise the children, or work and raise children, acquire loads of unnecessary things, buy a bigger house than my neighbor, then maybe retire. If this is your heart’s desire, I say go for it. It wasn’t mine, and I had to push back against a lot of “norms” that I grew up with to create a life I truly admire. After all, I’m the only one living it.

When you can step back and sit for some time and write out what you want - do some real excavating and dreaming - you might be surprised at what you find. I’ve always loved travel, nuance, creating my own little traditions, did not want children, and wanted my own business or businesses. Because I gave myself permission to really visualize what that looked like, I have accomplished much of what I have dreamed about. And I’m not done. Life is a fluid, ever changing experience, and we always have the right to pivot and change course. Putting your ideas into action will provide you a life you love, but you have to understand what those ideas are. It takes some effort, and that effort is worth it.

You can absolutely change your life at any given time. Adulthood doesn’t come with a guide or a rulebook unless we allow others to dictate that to us. I’ve reinvented myself at many different ages, and I always look forward to seeing what the future me has in store. There has never been a perfect plan when I start. I simply decide that I want to do something and I start breaking it down into bite size actions. One day, those small actions have turned into long term changes.

Research in psychology (one of my favorite topics on earth) consistently shows that our habits shape our future. It’s not a burst of energy towards something like working out six days in a row, burning out, and quitting. The sustainable, reasonable daily habits are what creates change in anyone’s life. A research based approach to personal growth focuses on consistent behaviors rather than dramatic spurts here and there. I’ve experienced the most change when I start small and keep up the decision.

Changing your life may involve things like:

• Setting healthy boundaries
• Leaving relationships that no longer support or serve you
• Exploring a different career path
• Prioritizing your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health
• Moving to a new city
• Learning a new skill
• Spending less time on social media
• Investing more time in meaningful experiences

None of this necessarily happens overnight, but Rome wasn’t built overnight either. If you keep doing the things and stay committed, you will absolutely look back to see how far you’ve come and your life will look completely different.

Applying for My French Visa

Wow. This is tough, and I know firsthand. I remember dating a man who asked me what my goals were in life. I didn’t even know what to say. He stuck me outside with a pen and paper and told me not to come in until I had written my goals out. While at the time I thought he was a total you-know-what, today I am grateful for it because the wheels started to turn and I started to dream again. Adulthood can often take the whimsy out of life, and we’re left wondering how we got here. It’s imperative to sit down, get quiet, and take some time to pen out what you want, even if it’s something absurd like a unicorn or living at Hogwarts. And yes, those are actually on my list of dreams.

Start by asking yourself questions like:

• When in my life do I feel most alive?
• What activities give me energy instead of draining me?
• What values are most important to me?
• If money were no object, how would I spend my time?
• Which relationships make me feel supported?
• Which relationships give me an emotional hangover?
• What accomplishments would make me proud of the version of me in ten years?
• What fears are holding me back?
• If I wasn’t worried about what others thought, what would I change?

It may take some time to figure these out, but after you ask yourself these things enough, you know the answers increasingly more quickly. It’s easier to navigate at a more rapid pace, whether it’s moving away from certain people or killing off a career choice you thought you might like. I’ve gotten very comfortable with failing, correcting choices that I thought I wanted, and not worrying about what others think of these things. It’s given me a lot of freedom to simply be…me.

This is such a big idea, to build the life you want. So many of us think we are exiled into a life that someone else dictated to us, duped us into, convinced us was the right thing. When we step back and ask ourselves what kind of life WE want, though, what is it? I said it before and I’ll say it again, it takes time, effort, and energy on your part to even understand what that means to you. Let’s go through some ways of figuring it out.

Clarify Your Values

I remember when I first started to understand what this meant. I looked up what values were on the internet so I understood what I was searching for in my life. The interesting thing is that they change over time as you develop yourself. So don’t think that you have to be rigid and stick to one or two things and cease your curiosity and growth. One year it could be creativity, and the next it could be adventure. Don’t limit yourself, and keep discovering what suits you.

Create a Vision for Your Future

Vision work and dreaming are some of my favorite things to do. I love fantasizing over a life that I want, even if it sounds outlandish to others. As I write this, I am in the middle of a move to Paris, something that my family has utterly rejected and been unable to understand because “people like us don’t do that” essentially. Guess what? I’m doing it anyway. I had a vision of myself on a balcony sipping wine, writing this kind of content just for you, and it’s happening. And yes, I even found an apartment with a balcony. Dreams really can come true if you believe in them and keep working toward them.

Turn Ideas into Action

Dreams are lovely, but I wouldn’t be moving to Paris without a tremendous amount of planning and action on my part. I won’t get into the insane amount of logistics that have come with it, but I can assure you that I’ve had to do anything from interviewing real estate agents to selling my house to finding people to travel with me and my pets. Take one action and execute. Then take another. It’s the only way you can move the needle and accomplish a life that is truly yours.

Audit Your Daily Habits

I remember when I started this blog, Roaming with Red. It was just a way for me to escape the hardships of my other career in real estate. When I started, I wasn’t that great of a writer. However, I stuck with it, continued to write. Now, people tell me repeatedly how much they enjoy my writing, and I am now leaving real estate and writing full time. Oh, and able to move to Paris because I now have a career where I can work from anywhere. There are going to be areas of your life that you have to adjust or acknowledge that they need some tweaking. This is where the good stuff starts, and how you end up with a life you never knew was available to you. The things you do daily are what dictates who you are in the future.

Surround Yourself with People Who Support Your Growth

One of my biggest flexes (and one of the hardest things to do) is that I am willing to eliminate relationships and people who do not support my growth. When I detect insecurity, jealousy, or any other emotion, feeling, or behavior that wants to drag me down, I am out. There are going to be people who want you to fail because they can’t stand see other succeed - it’s too much of a mirror to their unwillingness to change themselves. This is not easy, but I can assure you that it’s worth it. I’ve lost many people along the way, but the ones I’ve gained are worth every heartache I’ve experienced in the past. Sometimes, a loss is actually a gain.

Stay Flexible

A saying I love is “we make plans and God laughs.” We can definitely try to plan some of our life, but what I’ve realized is that staying flexible when trying to grow your life is imperative. Something I like about myself is that I always remain open and curious to what life has to offer me. Sometimes it’s different than what I originally wanted, but many times I get something even better than what I asked. Flexibility is related to a growth mindset, which is a huge indicator of whether you will be able to make changes in your life or not.

Continue Learning

The only time you have to stop growing is when you die. Otherwise, at any age, you can revamp your whole life as you know it. Much of my education around change and growth has been because of the best books for self-improvement. I like to learn from people who have done it. Experts like Arthur C. Brooks discuss how happiness isn’t something we find, it’s something we curate and cultivate through relationships, purpose, gratitude, and meaningful work. Fulfillment comes from consistent choices rather than external achievements alone. You’ve got to like yourself and who you are.

Give Yourself Permission to Start Over

I’m the queen of restarts. It doesn’t bother me that, my entire life, I’ve been someone to jump around, pivot, and figure out what I like versus having someone dictate that to me. Something that worked for and against me is that I didn’t have anyone in my life that put any (high or low) expectations on me, so I simply had to figure them out as I went. Because I have stayed open and curious, I’ve discovered versions of myself I would never have known had I stayed the same. My piece on starting over in your 40s is a great article about this, and I encourage you to give it a read.

Loving my 40s

Learning how to create the life you want is less about having some arrival point than having an ever-evolving mindset. It’s about making intentional choices daily that move you in a direction you’re proud of. Some seasons will involve small changes, and some large. Sometimes your actions are loud and sometimes they are quiet. All of it adds up to the sum of your precious life that you only get one shot at.

Your relationships, work, habits, health, mindset, and willingness to grow are what shape your future. You are the only person who gets to define what a successful life looks like. Remember that it won’t appear out of thin air, but when you take the right actions, you’ll turn around one day to see just how amazing your life is and you are for creating it for yourself. If you read this, I know you’re well on your way. Keep going, and know I’m right there with you.

If you liked reading this, you might also like reading why is change so hard or how to have a better mindset.

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