How to Connect with People

There’s a lot of buzz around connecting these days. We also hear a lot about people feeling disconnected. It’s ironic since there’s so much technology to connect us. What I’m seeing is that it’s being used in the wrong ways much of the time. However, when used properly, it can definitely help us build connections and establish relationships we may never have been able to have without it. The world is a much smaller place now in some ways, yet overwhelmingly large in others. I’ve become incredibly good at connecting with many people, and part of that is disconnecting with others. It doesn’t stop there, though. We have to be very conscious about what we are connecting to as well, whether it’s mindlessly scrolling, incessantly complaining about the same things, binging shows, or any other activity that doesn’t involve true connection.

When you understand the depth of importance of human connection, it becomes much more valuable if you care about your overall well-being. I’m assuming if you’re reading this, you’re interested in either learning more or improving your connections with others. This is fantastic, as I absolutely love meaningful and intentional interactions with my fellow humans and I want to show you how you can do this too. It’s easier than you think, and it will likely result in a much more meaningful life.

For me, I can tell you it absolutely has and my efforts in this area have made my world quite the magical place. When I look around at people who struggle with general satisfaction and happiness in life, one of the pieces that is usually missing is true connection. You will have to do some things differently, but I promise it will be worth your energy. Let’s keep going.

My Favorite Weekly Zoom Buddy

Your Mental Health Improves

When you’re connected to others, there is a feeling of safety in that. You know that the person or people with whom you are connected have your back and are going to be there for you when you need them. Because of this, levels of stress or anxiety tend to go down or disappear. This is the case with REAL connection. If you are not feeling these senses of relief, it is time to question your relationship(s). Additionally, being with people you are deeply connected to brings down depression, which in itself can cause a litany of issues.

You Live Longer

Have you heard of the Blue Zones? These are zones that have been studied by a man named Dan Buettner, where he found people who are into their 100s thriving at life. They are intentionally minded individuals who choose to live with purpose. If you want to learn more, I would highly recommend watching the special on Netflix called Blue Zones. All of the principals that these folks live by are incredible, and connection is one of the big ones that keeps them going so long.

You’re Generally Happier

My text group of four (me included in that number) is called The Glimmers. We share positive things that happen to us. Yes, we share things that aren’t great but mostly this particular group is positive and up-lifting. This is a group of women who I brought together in life, and then via text, and now we share good things. I can’t take the credit about sharing the glimmers (something good that happens to you), but I do for the connection. The joy and happiness I feel when I hear from them is part of my day that keeps me going. Try your own glimmer group!

Your Emotional Well-Being is Stronger

Connecting with people gives you emotional strength. When you know you can call on someone you love to help you out when you need it, there is something powerful in that. Growing up, I never wanted to ask for help for fear of being ridiculed or perceived as weak. Now, I realize that when I do ask, I am emotionally more sound and I grow each time I do it. The muscle gets stronger, and I am a better person for it. And I can pass that emotional strength onto others because I can handle it. Oh, and by the way, people love to be of service so you're both winning.

You’re Resilient

Resilience. Ah, resilience. Something I find a lot of people deeply struggle with when they are their own little island. It’s hard to recover from hard things when you feel that you are all alone. There have been times in my life where I knew that the only people I could count on were people I was paying (my therapist and my coach), and it was hell. Soon after that epiphany, I made radical changes and started to include people who I could count on, not just who was there. Warm bodies do not make for good connections. They have to be warm bodies with a purpose in your life. When you find those people, you can recover from anything.

You Get to Grow in All Kinds of Ways

My friends are my biggest critics and biggest supporters. They do not shy away from telling me my flaws, and they are the first ones to tell me what a badass boss I am as well. We need both in our lives. Placaters don’t make for good friends. Insecure people also don’t. But the ones who love you for all your little weirdo fibers? Those are the ones you really grow with. I’m in awe of all the people who surround me because I put them there, and they put me there. We watch each other grow, cheer each other on, give each other advice. I’m so much further along because of these people who I get to call my connections.

At a Festival with Amazing Humans

Through my years of experience with being less connected and more connected at different times of my life, I realize that connection is somewhat of a skill. A practice. Something that doesn’t always come naturally to us and we need to work towards. Because of the natural flow of life, where we go through stages and phases, situations become easier or more challenging to connect, particularly when we become adults. If we don’t have activities that easily draw people into our worlds, such as organizations or clubs or in-person work environments, it can somewhat atrophy the proverbial connection muscle. I’ll go over some reasons why it can be difficult to connect with others. One or more of these may resonate with you.

Vulnerability is Not Familiar to You

I’ve watched many relationships fail (ahem, ones I am in) because of a lack of ability to be vulnerable. While it’s one of the most difficult things in the world to some, it’s absolutely necessary in order to form deep bonds and connections with people. Answering “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are when you know you’re not fine is not being vulnerable. Answer honestly when someone you feel will not judge you asks you and try a little vulnerability on for size. Coming from someone who is very comfortable with being vulnerable now, it’s a huge way to gain connection to others. And it gets easier with practice.

Distractions

As someone who absolutely abhors having a cell phone pulled out in the middle of sharing heavy or light happenings in my life, I can tell you that it’s one of the easiest ways to lose connection with someone. And it’s instant. That feeling of insignificance when someone looks at a TV screen, eyes the room to see who better they can talk to, or pulls a phone out to scroll on social media in the middle of a conversation is strong. No one wants to feel that, so be mindful of all the distractions in the world that pull you away from the person who is giving you their valuable time.

Time is NOT on Your Side

Time flies is a very common thing to say, particularly the older we get. It is flying, and I have no idea how it goes so fast. We think we have more time to be with those we love, to go on that trip, to be present with someone who needs us. Yet the reality is we don’t. No one is guaranteed another day in this life, and it’s imperative to live in a way that promotes that mindfulness. It will give you the connection you need to fill your life with meaningful interactions and people who matter. Don’t take time for granted.

Do You Even Matter?

Yes, you matter. Hopefully you’re weird and quirky and all the things you think make you unappealing but make others love you. If your self-worth is low, you may not think others want to connect to you. Then you act that way, avoid people, social situations that put you out there. It’s not a great recipe for connections. I used to have a low self-worth. When I decided I wanted to raise it, I began to do things that someone with high self-worth would do. This is subjective, and I went on my own journey, but if you start to act like you love yourself, then you will. I am living proof. And then people will want to be around you so much that you’ll be swatting them away like flies.

Things Are Not Great Mentally

Perhaps you are lonely, depressed, isolated. These are all things that many people go through, even if they are surrounded by friends and family. Being around people does not create fulfillment and connection, and as people we can still feel isolated, depressed, and lonely. It is imperative to either seek professional help or ask others around you to help you out of this. There is nothing worse than this feeling, and I know this because I’ve been through it. I sought out coaching and counseling and it helped move me to a different space eventually. Nothing happens overnight, so give yourself grace and time to get your feet under you.

Traveling in NYC!

Connecting with other people is imperative to a good and happy life. I’m living a very amazing life connected to some of the most top-notch unicorns this world has to offer. They are the type that are welcome in my life because they enhance my life. I’ve had the vampires and energy suckers, and as I have moved through that phase of my life, I have been able to eliminate them and include the stellar humans. I’m going to give you actual tips that I have done to connect with people. Get creative and find some of your own if you don’t like mine, but this will give you some ideas, unique or obvious, to building your own connections with people.

Have a List of People You Invite to Things

There is this list that I have called “Ladies I Like.” These women are local and live in the same city as I do, and I have met them through all kinds of channels. Whenever I want to extend an invitation or not go somewhere or do something alone, I send out an email to this list. It’s a pretty awesome thing, and some events or activities have one other and some have fifteen. It’s a list that I took some time to curate so that it made my life easier when I wanted to do some connecting. I’m hosting a vision boarding event at my house and invited the ladies to join. We’ll see who will show up!

Game Night

Who doesn’t love a game of cards or some Scrabble? Some people don’t, I know this. However, I imagine you could find a person or two to have over and partake in your favorite board game. This is an excellent way of focusing on something you are doing together, and it automatically builds connection. Want another piece of advice? Check the phone at the door. Ask people for a couple of hours of uninterrupted time, and see if they will do it. If they are craving connection as you are, they absolutely will.

Send Someone a Meme or Podcast That Reminds You of Them

I have a few friends that I send and receive memes and podcasts throughout the day. Some of them are funny, make me laugh, or I roll my eyes at. Others are really kind and sweet and it lets me know how they feel about me and vice versa. It connects on a little bit deeper level, and it’s a great way to use media. No one gets upset if the day goes by before we respond, but all of us love hearing from one another regularly. My post on how to make a friendship better has more tips.

Walk it Out

When the weather is nice, there’s nothing like going on a walk to connect with someone. This is one of my favorite things to ask a friend to do with me or get invited to do. When you’re walking, it’s impossible to be distracted by much else, as you are in need of paying attention to where you’re stepping. It’s also somewhat of a captive audience, so you can really get into some good stuff while getting your steps in. Walking is also one of the best places and ways to discuss more difficult things, so consider a walk next time you want to connect on a deeper level.

Vision Boarding

This is a relatively new thing for me, but a dear friend of mine showed me hers one day when we were on our weekly zoom call and I decided it was high time for me to get on that wagon. Being able to have a visual display of my dreams is very appealing to me at this point in my life, and I will hang it in my office so I know exactly what I am working towards. I’ve invited some ladies to join me in this, and I believe this could be a bi-annual thing. Very exciting and lots to connect over through this process.

Travel Together

There are a few friends that I really enjoy traveling with, and I look forward to being with them in a much bigger way. Not everyone is able to travel successfully together, and that’s ok. When you find a person or people that it works well with, there is no greater way to bond. One friend and I recently went to New York. While we were there, I had the idea to high five people that we passed on the street. We both got into it and so did the recipients of our high fives. Not only did it bond us more, but it momentarily connected us physically and emotionally with a stranger, which is a very powerful thing. Get creative on your trips and lean into the playfulness of being with someone else who appreciates your sense of humor or weirdness. 

Share a Meal

I’m a big fan of eating at my house because I love to cook and I happen to be very good at it. Whether you want to share a meal in your home or go out with someone, being together over food can be a connecting experience. Remember, leave the phone in the car or in your purse or pocket the entire time. Everyone is busy, and everyone can also take an hour or two sans the phone. Be with the person or people with whom you are dining. It makes a much better meal if you do, at home or out at a restaurant.

Be Curious Like a Cat

Asking questions to the people around you is one of the most basic things you can do to establish connection. Not only does it give your brain a chance to think about things other than yourself, it gives the other person the opportunity to share who they are. One of my favorite things to do is gather information. I often refer to myself as a scientist because I enjoy seeing what I can learn and observe in my interactions. This helps you know if you want to further and deepen a relationship, or you want to exit stage left. Be as curious as you can in every situation. The more information you have about others, the better the connection.

Connecting with an Out of Town Dear Friend

This is a pretty extensive read about connection, and I know that. It’s a very important topic to me, and because I would consider myself somewhat of an expert at it, I want to share what I know. There are some very clear tips that could help you be more connected, and I have other articles you can read that will help in this department as well. One of them is discussing why charisma is important, for example. Another is developing more confidence. All of these are micro habits that end up making your life exponentially better, and don’t underestimate connection as being one of them. So let’s do this. Let’s get connecting.

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