Why Is Change So Hard?

If there’s one guarantee in life, it’s change. We can avoid it or pretend it’s not coming, but eventually change comes knocking. It’s one of the parts of life that you can count on, and we all know it, yet we all somehow squirm when thinking about what it might do to us. Whether you’re changing jobs, moving to a new city, getting into or out of a relationship, or having a whole human child, change is present. Even if it’s something you actively have sought out, it doesn’t always make it easier.

I’ll use myself as an example. I’ve deliberately done things in my life that have resulted in radical difference, and some of the steps within that change have been painful. I’ve questioned my entire life’s decisions while in the middle of making my life into something I’ve dreamed of because it’s gotten so uncomfortable. It’s normal, and it would be weird if that didn’t happen. Our brains are wired to seek familiarity, not nuance, even when that familiarity does not serve us.

If you’re wondering why change is so hard at times, I assure you that you’re not alone. I’m one of the more embracing people I know around it, and I still struggle with it sometimes. Here in this article we’ll explore some of the psychology behind why change feels difficult, why it’s imperative for growth, and some practical ways that you can embrace it with some confidence. We’re in this together.

One of the best ways to combat the aversion to change is to approach it with curiosity. Make it a science experiment, a game for yourself. Know that you’re not going to spontaneously combust if you do something different, particularly when you feel stuck and know change would do you good. Stepping into the unknown naturally feels threatening. Our brains are incredibly efficient, and would much rather rely on familiar habits than spend energy creating new ones, which is why it can be exhausting even when the change is positive. Wild, but true.

Nothing happens overnight in the realm of change. Psychologists have what’s called the transtheoretical model, which states that lasting transformation often happens in stages rather than immediately. We cannot wake up one day and think “I want long hair” and poof…we have long hair. There is always a process to getting a different outcome, and it involves patience and habits. It’s a form of maintaining what you decide to change and not expecting it to happen at the snap of a finger.

Creating a whole new normal can be a giant undertaking or as simple as committing to brushing your teeth twice a day instead of once (and yes, I’ve known people who struggle with this). You just simply take one bite of that elephant at a time, and then go scrub those teeth after to maintain good habits. All joking aside, change takes time, and there’s a lot to it to make it stick.

Little Me

Each of us lives such wildly different lives, it’s going to be totally subjective as to what changes you want to make or not. Not every situation warrants any change or massive change, it’ll be up to you to determine that. After all, it’s your life and you’re the only one who has to live it. As for myself, my priorities have shifted and adjusted as I’ve evolved, and I’ve taken that into account as I go through my days and my life. What’s important to me now may not be important to me in the future, and that’s part of the beauty of accepting and embracing change. Our ability to adapt will make said situations simpler, though not always easier.

Sure, avoiding change, whether necessary or voluntary, can feel good in the moment. Kicking the can down the road has always had an appeal to most or all of us at one time of our lives or another. It can also limit our opportunities, prevent us from much-needed healing, destroy relationships, and keep us from being our most genuine selves. We only get one shot at life, and I’m a big advocate of taking the reins and leading my horses, not the opposite.

I’m not advocating for you to be a wiggle worm nonstop. Sometimes the most necessary thing is to rest and relax into the person you are at the moment. When the time is right, that’s when your change begins or continues. Patience, my grasshopper. We want to give ourselves grace and kindness, love and compassion. Then we can spread that to others more easily. These are the long term goals, so it’s important to show up to your life accordingly.

Can't Live the Dream Life Without Change

Let’s dive right into some of the reasons that people do not like the thought of change. There are quite a few usual suspects on this list. Maybe you can relate to some.

Fear of Uncertainty

Ahh, the good old unknown. I’m struggling with that as I write this. Right now, I’m strategically blowing up my life in the US and moving to Paris…France, not Texas. I’m placing all my eggs in my own basket, growing my writing career (thank you for reading this and supporting), and will be learning a new culture and way of life. And even a new language! Some days I want to pull back, slam on the brakes, and go back to what I know. Then what? The fear of the unknown is real, but guess what? I’m doing it anyway.

Fear of Failure or Making the Wrong Decision

One of my favorite examples of making a decision and then rethinking it is when people get married, then divorced, then decide sometime down the line to get re-married. For some reason, this touches my heart because of the tribulation they’ve gone through. It’s a big step to get married, maybe a bigger step to get divorced, and having the humility to come back together is just remarkable. So what? You make a decision. Rarely do you make one that you can’t fix, so don’t worry about whatever failure is. No one will hold it against you, and if they do, tell them where to go.

Comfort with Existing Routines

Disrupting something that isn’t “that” bad is hard. Even the most unhealthy routines are comfortable because we stay with the devil we know. It’s still the devil, so don’t forget that. Your brain is screaming at you to just stick it out, maybe it will be better one day. One of my favorite lines is: nothing changes when nothing changes. It’s a conscious effort to unravel those habits and choices, but what’s on the other side might just be the elixir in life you needed to feel like a totally improved human. I say go for it.

Lack of Confidence

If you lack confidence and your ability to adapt to new things, anything new can feel like a total affront to your existence. Building confidence takes repetition and practice, and it’s oh so worth the effort. When you start to create spaces for yourself that boost your whole being, there’s nothing like it. Not only do you benefit from this, but everyone around you gets to see you acting in a way that respects yourself and who you truly are. Here’s something I wrote on ways to feel more confident if you’re struggling with it in any way.

Emotional Attachment to Current Circumstances

There are a lot of ways to get yourself out of changing, and one of them is emotionally attaching to situations we are currently in. It could be a job, a relationship, our homes (I am famous for this one), or whatever identity we’ve decided is ours. Letting go can feel like we are ripping our own skin off of our bodies, and that is a painful thought. A bit Silence of the Lambs. I choose to think of it like a snake slithering out of its skin, which is a natural process in growth and happens without much ado. You’re growing into a better you, so letting go might be a little easier when you think of it that way.

Social Pressure or Fear of Others’ Opinions

When I got divorced the first time (I’ve had two), I remember being petrified to tell my parents. Why? Simply because I was afraid to disappoint them. Never mind that they stayed together in a very unhealthy marriage and divorce may have actually benefitted them. I was afraid of the judgment from people who hadn’t walked my walk or my path. What I came to realize later in life is that what other people think of me is none of my business, and no one has been me before, not even me. We’re all just doing our best, so releasing others’ opinions has allowed me to grow and stretch in ways I never could’ve imagined.

Difficulty Breaking Long-Standing Habits

Habits make up our whole lives. Whatever we do in a day, unconsciously or consciously, is what creates our future. Often we don’t think that watching one more Netflix show or an hour more of watching Instagram reels will matter, but when you say yes to one thing you’re saying no to another. That can be a problem if you’re trying to improve your habits and make life look vastly or a little different than it does now. When I decided to be a morning person, I had to make myself go to sleep early. Period, end of story. That particular change wasn’t difficult, but it created a completely new and more appropriate life for myself. I put my phone in another room, and went to bed. It takes some discipline, but it’s not impossible.

Feeling Unprepared or Lacking Support

Much of my life I’ve not had the true support from my biological family. If I succeeded at something, one of them was expressing the unfairness and jealousy. I want to move to another country, another tells me how dangerous it is and how I’m essentially going to be oppressed. I’ve learned to find support from other resources, like friends, coaches, and therapists, and it’s helped me move in the direction I want to go in. There are people out there who want to support you, and it is your job to go and find them if you don’t have them right now. Make the effort, I can attest to it being worth it.

Journaling Every Morning

There are countless reasons why change is important, but you need to first believe that it is for yourself. No one can force you to change, nor should they. It’s an internal job, and one that can be very rewarding when you choose to do so. Here are some reasons why it is a good idea.

Encourages Personal Development

Learning more about yourself is one of life’s greatest gifts. Here’s the reality: some of my own personal growth has come from seasons of my life where I wasn’t expecting it, but ended up being grateful for it. I wouldn’t trade this for the world. Here are some of my favorite self-improvement books that will ultimately get you thinking about your own development in your life.

Helps Build Adaptability

People don’t realize the flex of adaptability in life, at least many people don’t. Whether you choose to change or not, the world continues to spin, days continue to start and end, and you have no control over any of it. The best decision I ever made was to embrace change more, be more adaptable to it, and find the good rather than the bad when it occurs, and it sure will occur.

Opens New Opportunities and Experiences

When people say to me “I’m so sorry” when they learn I got divorced from my most current husband, my response is “I’m not.” Had I never exited that relationship, I would not be moving to Paris, taking bigger chances on myself, and having the experiences I am having. Confining oneself to the familiar will get you to…familiar places. The world is vast, there are many things to discover, and the time is now.

Strengthens Problem Solving Skills

Putting yourself in new situations gives you the opportunity to create new solutions to new problems. Why is this important? Why create new problems to solve? It builds confidence and often curiosity for what’s next. The rinse and repeat method of life only goes so far before one day you want to burn it all to the ground, change your name, your hair color, and buy a convertible. It’s much better to do small changes until one day you realize…I really did that!

Supports Long-Term Goals and Personal Fulfillment

Giving ourselves new things to look forward to is helpful for many reasons. You might be stuck in a cycle in your marriage that feels like it will never improve. Perhaps your job is slowly killing you because one more zoom meeting happens and you’re going to snap. What if you, say, grow out of your hometown and want to live in Paris? Each little bit of change helps support creating situations for yourself that will get you to a new level. Step out of that comfort zone and into the unknown. The water’s fine.

Increases Confidence Through Overcoming Challenges

You know how you really build confidence? Action. It’s not the other way around. Confidence is not a pill you can take, or something that falls from the sky and seeps into your pores like magic. Giving yourself little or big challenges all the time improves how you view yourself and how you handle situations. It’s so cool to look up, look back, and say “I got that” with no hesitation. It takes practice, and it takes guts. You’ve definitely got what it takes.

Contributes to Trust Issues

Boy, do I know this one well. One of my longer term relationships had a big trust deficit because he was too scared to say how he felt, causing him to say yes to things he didn’t want to do, and then simply not doing them. To me, it became flat out lying. When your partner or someone else close to you refuses to say what they really mean or feel, lack of trust can develop with these patterns. It’s nearly impossible to maintain any type of decent relationship with this behavior.

Creates Uncertainty About Relationship Direction

How does one move forward in a relationship when feelings and emotions are not clearly communicated? If one partner is available and one is not, this is not a great combination for success. It creates uncertainty and stagnation, and the available partner will likely grow tired of guessing and trying to figure out what the other is thinking or feeling.

Can Result in Feelings of Loneliness Despite Being in a Relationship

I know for myself, I’ve never felt more alone than when I was with an emotionally unavailable person. There was not any space for me to get into my hopes and dreams, my deep thoughts and feelings around, well, anything. It felt like I was a well trying to connect with a puddle. Physical presence does not make up for emotional distance, and it doesn’t create connection.

If you do strive for more connection and you are working through getting better at it, you may enjoy reading my guide on how to connect with people.

You Can Change!

I’m not going to blow smoke up your butt and say that change is rainbows and unicorns at all times. Some change feels like it brings you to your knees, and some feels really easy. It’s really a matter of mindset, and I’ll give you some tips on how to embrace this elusive change you seek.

Step 1: Accept That Discomfort is Normal

Acceptance is always the first step it seems. Owning that there is something not quite right is a good place to start. Knowing that discomfort does not mean it’s a mistake. You’re an awkward tween at this. Growth is like that until you get better, so accept that it’s your desire and know you’re on the right track.

Step 2: Focus on What You Can Control

Coming from the queen of control, I am actively working on less worry, more action that I can control. Worrying has gotten me exactly nowhere, so I’ve learned to let some of it go. Let go and let God is my theme in life at the moment. When I’m overwhelmed, I think about what the next best thing I can do is, and then I do it. Simple as that. I let the world do its thing and I do mine, and somehow it always works out.

Step 3: Start with Small Changes

Baby steps, my babe. The turtle wins the race, not the speedy hare. Take little steps in the direction you want to go, and if you’re unsure of those steps, ask people or plug it into AI for some direction. There’s no need to think about the finish in one day because you can’t know the exact outcome. I think I know why I’m moving to Paris, but I’m wise enough to know that whatever I think is likely not the actual lesson for me. I remain open to possibilities, and I am looking forward to the plan that I have no control over.

Step 4: Reframe Challenges as Learning Opportunities

I knew that I always should’ve been a lawyer because I love a good challenge, a good argument with myself to see what I’m really made of. Whenever something happens in my life, I journal about it until I frame it in such a way that helps me move forward rather than stewing in negativity. Pick a method or methods that help you understand that the world is working FOR you and not AGAINST you. Whether it’s placebo or real, it’ll help, I promise.

Step 5: Create Supportive Habits

Whenever I want to change something in my life, I have to reverse engineer how it’s going to happen. At one point, I wanted to have stronger legs for health and physical benefits, so I bought weights and created a routine where I did weights at my house. I didn’t sit on my couch, eat Van Leeuwen honeycomb ice cream, and wish my legs would change. No, I did something about it, and that’s what you need to do with your own habits.

Step 6: Give Yourself Time to Adjust

My biggest words of wisdom is to give yourself some grace through this process, because it’s not easy. If you’re advocating for yourself, taking the steps to make the changes you want, and fighting the urge to give up, I deeply commend you. And you should also congratulate yourself. Give yourself a lot of time and space to adjust to the new life you’re building. It can be a harrowing and equally beautiful journey, but a journey nonetheless. And those often require rest.

For some insight on big life transitions, you might enjoy my guide on how to start over in your 40s. It could be relevant to your 30s or 50s, too, so give it a read.

Happier than Ever

If you’ve ever thought that change is so hard, you’re in good company. It challenges many aspects of our life, from our identity to our habits, and that’s not always comfortable for us. We have to trust ourselves and the outcomes enough to go for it, and that’s a next level type of behavior. It opens doors that you never knew were there, and gives you insight to yourself that makes you like and love yourself even more. What an absolute gift to your being.

Make the approach to change about curiosity and less about certainty. It’ll give you the opportunity to learn about you, about the people around you, and develop a muscle not everyone chooses to develop. Slow and steady always wins the race, so take it easy on yourself during the process. When you have doubts, take a beat, pause, and reassure yourself that you do, in fact, have this. You’re just unfamiliar, and sometimes that’s scary.

The goal here isn’t to eliminate the fear. It’s to do it in spite of having it. The more you trust yourself, the more change you can make, and the better life gets. It’s on your terms, and what a phenomenal life you’re creating for yourself. You’re really becoming a version of yourself you can be proud of, so keep going. And know I’m cheering you on every step of the way.

If you liked this blog, you might also like the one I wrote on why is growth mindset important or how to start over in your 40s.

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