Are Dating Apps Worth It?

After my divorce, I knew I wanted nothing to do with dating for a while. Dating apps became popular after I had gotten married. So entering the single scene when this was mainstream was a bit overwhelming. Online dating was much more popular, and it seemed less intrusive and less offensive. It seemed a bit more serious as well. The dating app idea was intriguing to me. But it took me some time to warm up to it and actually try it out.

In theory, dating apps seemed fascinating. In reality, I was about to learn how I really felt about them. What I know in my years as a mid-40s woman is that low investment equals low gain. That’s exactly what these apps are doing to our dating and connection culture. In the long term, this is not sustainable for satisfaction in the world of dating. Does this sound familiar?

My experience with dating apps is relatively short-lived, as I realized pretty quickly they are not for me. However, I have been on them regionally and in Europe, so I know enough from my own experience how I feel about them. I’m also a very good judge of character when it comes to this type of thing, so I make speedy decisions. I’ve also got friends who were (in the past) on them, are still on them, and have never been on them. We’ve discussed the pros and cons of them, and as women, we’ve realized that the cons outweigh the pros. Dating apps are a hard place to be, and you have to want to waste…ahem, invest…a lot of time to *maybe* get one decent person now and then. You have to decide if that’s worth it to you. Only you know that.

How I Feel After Being on Dating Apps

I’m pulling this straight from my search on ChatGPT because I am positive the definition they gave is more concise than I could’ve come up with myself. Here it goes: “A dating app is a mobile application designed to connect people who are interested in forming romantic, casual, or sometimes even platonic relationships. Unlike traditional dating websites that require logging in through a browser, dating apps are built for smartphones and often use features like swiping, geolocation, and instant messaging to create quick, user-friendly experiences.” This is a practical definition and focuses on the usability of it.

I would perhaps define it more as a complete time-suck, a way to make people commodities, and an easy way to judge humans in ways that are most unhealthy. Picking a potential partner by swiping is, to me, rather icky and something I don’t want to be part of at this stage of my life.

Dating apps are pretty much like many apps a person would use. I’ll break it down into a bit more detail in case any of my readers haven’t used them and are curious, much like I was. It’s an activity I don’t regret doing, as I am a lover of gathering data, but I realized within a couple of months that there was no way I would be able to keep this going, no matter how entertaining it sometimes got. Let’s break down the process of how these babies work.

Choose an App

The choice of apps is pretty robust. There are ones designed for more serious dating, and others designed simply for hooking up. I personally signed up for two and I chose them because of their features and popularity. My rookie self was hoping they would be fruitful, so I did some research on the front end to make sure I’d get the most bang (ha!) for my buck.

Download App

When you download the app of your choice, which I’m not going to give recommendations on, you can either do a free version or a paid version. Because sometimes I think by paying for things you get more, I chose to pay for the two I was on. One of them was a bit better than the other, but I played around on both. I’m glad I had two data points to work with.

Profile

This is such a stressful part. I must have asked my friend, who happens to be a professional matchmaker, about 1000 questions before I felt comfortable putting anything on there. Which photos should I choose? What are my prompt questions? I’ll tell you one of mine (which I changed regularly), and it was “what’s your favorite dessert?” If a guy didn’t eat dessert, he needed to kick rocks. The photos were my most difficult thing, but alas, I did pick some good ones.

Preferences

Wow, does this get awkward. You really start to see how few people you’ll want to potentially go out with when you’re deep in the preferences section. Whether it’s race, religion, height, or something else, it’s a mirror as to how narrow you might be. I heard someone say “I had no idea how racist I was until I got on a dating app.” He or she isn’t wrong. It’s all private, but gosh does it make you uncomfortable while you’re checking these boxes. Be prepared to be uncomfortable, potentially.

Location

For location, I had some fun with this one. When I realized that a 500 mile radius still didn’t do it for me in the area I live, I decided to hop over the pond and go to Paris. That, my friends, did not disappoint, and I actually met several cool guys (and a couple of weirdos) “there.” One or two I keep in touch with still, and there was the ability for great friendships, but really…is a dating app where I’m going to meet future guy friends? Doubtful. If you get bored in your area, set the location to anywhere in Europe and get a napkin to wipe up the drool because some of these guys are REAL hot. At least their photos indicate this.

My Most Popular Picture on the Apps

This is a totally subjective answer to this question about whether or not dating apps are worth it. My experience is that they aren’t. I’ve also got a relatively quirky and outgoing personality that permits me to meet people in the wild. Culturally, I know that talking to people is positive and meeting people in real life is more my speed. When I realized that my mental health was suffering because I knew I was getting swiped by looks alone (many guys admitted they only looked at the photos and nothing about me), I was turned off.

With some effort, I know that we can all meet people in person if we simply make the space to interact. Yes, it takes effort, and yes, it’s more enjoyable, and yes, it can be uncomfortable at first. What I also know is that there is much more gratification in the in-person meet than the swipe, and that’s from years of experience.

Of course there are benefits to everything, even if it’s only learning lessons that are meant to be learned. Nothing is meant to be a forever fix, so dating apps are there for the taking and then designed to be deleted after some point. That’s my belief, anyway. The amount of time one could spend on them is quite extensive, but I will definitely highlight the positives that I experienced on dating apps for you below. Hopefully they're not laced with too much cynicism.

Larger Dating Pool

Like I mentioned earlier, I wanted to see if there were people that I was missing. I’m not a person that is always out, as I like to be at my house quite a bit, so I thought “why not?” Joining a dating app wouldn’t take away much and it would show me all that I was missing. When I did “relocated” myself to Europe, it was a much more enjoyable experience, so that did work well. Otherwise, I can’t say I was missing out on a single person.

Confidence Booster

Originally I thought that by all these guys liking my profile it would give me a sense of confidence, and it did a little. I’m also not someone who needs a lot of external validation to feel good about myself, so others might get more from this than I did. However, the number of men who were interested in me was quite fascinating, and I did enjoy it for a bit. Until I didn’t. It just got old because they were like ogres.

The Choices

The number of choices of people on dating apps is tremendous. All kinds of people sign up on these things in hopes of meeting someone that will make their dreams come true, whatever that dream is. In the short time I was on the dating apps, I had guys hit me up with all kinds of hopes. It was utterly fascinating. Have I said this already?? The ones who were to the point were my favorite, even if it wasn’t going to result in a meetup. If choices are what you’re after, it is a good space for that.

Low Stakes

If meeting people is difficult for any reason for you, this is a great way to dip your toe in the pool of people to see what’s what. Maybe you’re a painfully shy person, or you work constantly. This would be a great way to see if there’s anyone out there that piques your interest without having to work super hard for it. A few swipes here or there are not going to consume you, unless you’re addicted to the swiping, of course.

It’s a Love Story

We all want it to work out, right? The hope of meeting the right person is there, despite the painful process of getting to that person. When you match, you feel this exuberant sensation in you and wonder what your life is going to look like when you get married and have your babies, or your pets together. It’s totally normal to want the love story, and that is precisely why you want to join a dating app. I do hope it works out for you that way, too.

Cheers to Finding Your Soulmate

Dating apps for most people are pretty easy to use. Knowing how to monitor yourself and put the phone down is the real clincher. When I used them, I got addicted to seeing how many dudes were “pining away over me.” It was equally as gratifying to swipe left and never give them a chance. How could I? I didn’t know them! Apparently nor would I ever, with that attitude. Using the apps can be a discipline, though, as I found out, and the more understanding and education around them you have, the better. Like any other phone application, they can be addictive and mindless, and also steal your soul. Let’s see some best practices on how to use them.

Be Clear on What You Want

One guy I saw in the Paris location was really hot. So hot, I thought he might be fake. Since I was going to Paris, I swiped him, we matched, and then he made it clear he was only interested in a hookup. Since I was not on the same page, I told him I was so grateful for his honesty and wished him the best in hooking up. He told me if I changed my mind, I knew where to find him. My point: just be clear. Don’t waste your time or the other person’s.

Quality Over Quantity

The frenzy of the swipe can really get you and get to you. Even for someone who is pretty self-confident and stable, the process weirded me out a lot. Some guys would match with me, then un-match with me. Others would leave messages that made me squirm. There were only a couple that I enjoyed talking to and becoming friends with (yes, just friends), and while I realized it was a numbers game, I also realized even those guys weren’t worth all the effort I was putting into it.

It’s Not You, It’s Them

You are not the problem. In fact, other person is not the problem either. We are on these apps, trying to qualify people to go out with, and it’s just dumb. It’s not natural, and it feels like you’re being used and abused, put through the wringer. Don’t let the feeling of rejection of a stranger affect you in any major way because you don’t even know the other person. Try to write it off as a “them” problem (or at the very least an "app" problem) and move on. I had to also learn this.

Know When to Put the Phone Down

Scrolling endlessly is a nightmare. Swiping endlessly is a nightmare. If you don’t pump the brakes on yourself or stop after an allotted amount of time, it could get to a point of burnout, which isn’t good for anyone. I would let myself look at them for 15-30 minutes a few times per week, and if I caught myself sneaking more I deleted the app from my home screen. They are that addictive. What if I missed “the one?” Ugh. Seriously?

Trust Your Gut

If there is someone giving you creepy vibes, listen to yourself and don’t ever doubt it. Vet people as much as you can before meeting them in person. I’m talking about more than an ick - an ick is something that we could most likely look past if we were reasonable humans. People who make our skin crawl or make us feel unsafe are what we’re looking out for here. Be safe. Period.

How I Feel After Dating Apps Part II

Unfortunately I don’t know what the best dating apps are because I only got on two in my entire life. Even before the apps were a thing, I never did online dating. My experience is limited but also very data-driven. I pay very close attention to people who are in this world and experts on the dating apps, so I know I can speak on this topic with certainty.

My best advice is to do your research on the app that you think will best suit your needs and desires and try it out for a month or two. More than that, it’s a waste of time in my opinion. You’d be better off grabbing some friends and enjoying their company for the night. We all know the usual suspects: Bumble, Hinge. Tinder. Past that I honestly don’t know many more, nor do I want to. But hey, Google and ChatGPT can help you in this department.

In my not-so-humble opinion, dating apps are worth trying out if you have the curiosity, then getting real and seeing that they are probably not the best source to meet someone. Opening your eyes, lifting them up from the smart phone screen, and using your voice “hi!” - these are the things I recommend to people looking to meet others. There are too many advantages of being single and happily single at that. Frankly, when you least expect it, you will probably meet someone. And it could be someone you never thought was for you. Look around, pay attention, and get off the freaking phone. Your “right person” could be right in front of you.

If you liked this irreverent little blog, you might also like what I wrote about being not interested in dating.

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