Not Interested in Dating

Dating. It used to be something I enjoyed. Before I got married (for the second time) in my mid-30s, I went out on dates all the time. They weren’t complicated, and I didn’t meet these guys on dating apps because the apps didn’t exist. If they did, no one I knew used them. Fast forward a decade, and the art of meeting another human being feels like just that…art. Rare art at that. People have seemed to shut down completely, avoiding real connection, and appearing accosted when simply spoken to.

For almost a year after my divorce, I wanted nothing to do with dating. I knew I needed to heal, plus men made my skin crawl. Ending a second marriage is hard. And I had no desire to jump into the modern dating cesspool in any capacity. As I continue on the single journey, I realize that this is felt throughout many places in the world, both with men and women, and not just in the United States. I’m want to make the distinction here that there is a difference between not being interested in dating and somehow magically being in a relationship, because this can happen. For now, let’s keep digging around not wanting to date.

It seems to be assumed that single people want to be partnered, but that simply isn’t true. Statistically, about half of single people have no interest in being in a relationship. Various reasons include having other priorities, being too busy, bad past experiences, thinking they’re too old, that another person wouldn’t be interested, and a few others. If someone is divorced or widowed, the percentage of wanting to remain single is even higher. I’ve tried marriage twice, and I’m not looking for the third time to be a charm.

The dating world is tough right now. Since my separation a year and a half ago, I’ve gone on zero official dates. And I am completely unbothered by this. The process is exhausting, and I don’t want to be trapped on a date with someone that I may feel uncomfortable with or have a complete lack of interest in. I’d rather stay single - it’s easier. Plus there are so many advantages of being single, so why bother?

All the Single Ladies

I’ve got coupled friends and I’ve got single friends. And I can generally say that in my observation my single friends are much happier people on a day-to-day basis. They aren’t burdened with accommodating someone else, especially the ones that have done that for some or much of their lives. Additionally, I’m in an age bracket that we’ve had many romantic relationships and don’t feel like it will enhance our lives to get into another. For many of my friends, it’s completely normal to avoid dating and enjoy the life of a single person. In no way does it mean anyone is lonely. And having male and female relationships is a way to feel fulfilled.

My friends have become an immense source of happiness for me, and I couldn’t imagine thinking that if I stay single I’ll be missing out. Some of my friends don’t want to date at all, some don’t prioritize it, and some are healing from a previous relationship and aren’t ready to even bother with it. It’s a fascinating observation, and one I continue to enjoy.

As I’ve said so far, people have all kinds of reasons for not wanting to date. I do believe in years past, before dating apps made people a commodity and de-humanized the whole process of meeting someone, it was much simpler. Now, you can stalk people on every platform, see how connected they are, who they are connected to, and find any ick before even going on the date. It’s miserable. For me, I refuse to subscribe to it.

I’m not going to allow a man to look at a photo of me and swipe one way or the other - he knows nothing about me. And as I have asked them (because I was on the dating apps for a hot minute) they don’t bother to read anything about me. It’s all visual. No thanks. Hard pass. Below I’m going to list out some reasons why people are simply not interested in dating, all legitimate and valid.

Burnt Out

Whether you’re burnt out from a previous long term relationship that exhausted you or you’re sick of tap dancing around other people’s feelings (specifically the feelings that belong to another adult child), dating feels daunting. The energy to get out there is depleted. And you’d rather stay home and eat popcorn with your three pets and watch reels validating your decision to not date. Oh, is that just me? Nah, I know it’s you, too. I’m taking all the space and time I need to recover from the exhaustion of an exhausting relationship. Being burnt out is a good reason to stay out of the dating scene. Do you, and get your energy back.

The Process is Frustrating

The thought of having to go over my proverbial rap sheet makes me want to never try for any romantic relationships ever again. “Why are you single?” Because, Gene, of men like you who ask me stupid questions like that. No one at my age wants to discuss anything light like our favorite colors anymore. Those years are over. We want to talk about what you eat for breakfast, what time you go to bed, how many cats you have, and where you like to travel. Disqualifying or qualifying someone takes only a few minutes after you’ve done it enough. You don’t need to sit at a coffee date in agony with a gal or guy you’re not interested in to make that decision.

Baggage (and Not an Away Bag)

So many people carry their pasts with them like they're a Chanel bag. They haven’t dealt with their inner child, done “the work” that only people who have done “the work” understand when it’s referenced. Their moms are still calling them four times per day to check in and make sure they brushed their teeth and made their bed. Perhaps they still hate their ex and can’t let go. Hate’s a strong emotion, friends, and not one that’s a green flag. The transformation to being a healthy adult hasn’t quite happened (and may never). Healed people are few and far between. So no matter how much sexual attraction there is, if they are emotionally wild, it’s a no.

Priorities Don’t Align

As a woman who owns two businesses, stays rather focused on work, eating well, working out, and making sleep a top priority, I don’t want a party boy. Balance is difficult as an adult. But if you’re so far from each other, it will never pan out. I’ve seen many iterations: professionals who work hard and drink themselves silly on the weekend to “blow off steam”; people who want only casual relationships with no accountability; and others with too much time on their hands, making you their sun and moon within moments of meeting. Gross! All of it’s a turn-off to the healed person. So aligning priorities is so, so important.

Your Life is Full and Fulfilled

What I can say about my own life is that it’s quite robust and full. I make my own money, own my house, have three pets that I adore, and travel around the world alone, on my own dime. It would take a superstar of a human to add value and more to this lifestyle. I’ve taken the time to get my life the way I want it, and I’m always open to someone adding value. But right now, my life is fulfilled as it is. Until someone can make it more amazing, I’m on Do Not Disturb. Keep that in mind when you start adjusting your life to accommodate the needs of another.

Main Character Energy

I’ll make this a bit kinder than I might display from myself. When I don’t want to date, I just say it. You could read any one of my blogs and likely glean this information, but not everyone is blunt like I am. It’s important to get a message across that you’re not interested if you aren’t. However, there are some people who don’t take the news well. There seems to be a lot of gaslighting when a person perceives rejection. For me, I don’t worry about hurt feelings so much as the backlash. I’ll pose some things one can say to another when dating is simply not in the equation of life. You have every right to not date, and every right to date. If you don’t want to date, though, here are some ways to say it.

My Focus is on Myself

Make it about you. After all, you’re the main character in your life, so step into that. You want to be your own person for a while without the worry of someone else disrupting the life you have created or are creating. That’s a reasonable thing to tell another person, and without expounding on the reasons why, it’s typically a solid phrase to say to someone who wants to push the envelope and get you on a date.

You’re “Taken"

Recently I did this to a man who was begging me to go out with him. Whether it’s a lie or not, it doesn’t matter. I was getting uncomfortable with this man pushing me. Finally, I just said I had a boyfriend. It’s absurd that I had to go there, but some people need to be told something they are less likely to argue with you about. Another human in the picture can do the trick…most times.

I’ll Offer Friendship Only

Sometimes being friends first is the best thing. I’ve accumulated many male friends in my single days and it’s enjoyable to have them around to do things with and talk to. When you’re friends, your guard is down and you can be you. It’s very freeing and liberating, and you never know what could bubble from this type of friendship. Friendships can be a very powerful connection and lead to romantic attraction. It’s my favorite way to end up with someone.

It’s Too Soon to Date

If you’ve just gotten out of a relationship, you may need some time to get your feet back under you. There are people who can’t fathom being alone so they jump from one relationship to another, never really changing their poor behaviors from the past. Me, I’m not in that number anymore. I wanted to really dig deep and figure out my past patterns, so it was easy for me to just say “it’s far too soon for me to date.” That will shut it down.

I Don’t Want to Date - End of Discussion

Hard stop, you simply don’t want to date. Being upfront and clear is, to me, the best method, but I do sometimes make sure I feel safe when saying this. If I sense a person is going to give me backlash for choosing not to go out with him, I wouldn’t be this blunt. However, my personality lends well to this, and I can be kind and playful, yet direct. I’m not apologizing for my decision, and neither do you need to. It’s your life, and you can be a single as you choose.

Connecting with an Out of Town Dear Friend

There’s nothing quite as liberating as being single and being happy about it. It’s a next level when you reach the point of not being interested in dating. That’s not to say being in a wonderful relationship suddenly wouldn’t be amazing, and it could happen, but it’s also nice to be comfortable with where you are in your single life. There are so many reasons right now to not be interested in dating, and until that felt sentiment shifts and changes, you can avoid blame by not wanting to put yourself out there. Plenty of good fish exist in the sea when you’re ready to get back in the saddle, or in the water, and test out the dating pool. Good luck, bon courage, and know you’re perfect the way you are, whatever you choose.

If you like this blog, you might also like reading about the advantages of being single.

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