The Pleasure of Saying No without Hurting Someone Feelings

Saying no. How does that make you feel inside when you read that? If you’re a woman (especially), it’s likely to make you feel uneasy, uncomfortable, squeamish, and all sorts of other negative things. Hating to disappoint people is something many people, particularly women, have been conditioned to think is bad. Putting others first is some type of heroic act, or that’s what society has fed us. Being a martyr is the way to go in this life, right? My opinion? I’ll say “NO” to that. After years of practicing, and continuing to practice, saying no has gotten easier. Not necessarily more comfortable, but easier. I can identify things that I don’t want to do much more quickly than I used to, and before I know it, I’m saying no. Let’s get more into it, and how learning how to say no is a good thing.

Learning How to Say No

More and more, I notice that saying no has become something I don't even think twice about because I'm not bothered by other people's reactions so much anymore. My place of saying yes or no is genuine, and because I know my genuine self, I know that what I say comes from love. It's either love for myself or love for the other person. My yeses are HELL YESes and my nos are HELL NOs. This has taken a tremendous amount of of practice and discipline to get here, and I can tell you that it's been worth every moment of discomfort I've been through. I still say yes to things I don't always want to do and I say no to things that I may have wanted to do, but each time gives me more data. And that's what we're doing here. Collecting data on what makes us light up or shut down. So let's go deeper.

Staying Home with My Cat is Always a Hell Yes

Become Aware of Yourself

You may not even be aware that you are a people-pleasing machine. Trying to make other people happy is how you were raised, and giving until you are essentially squeezing blood out of a turnip is normal. Growing up, other people’s comfort would come first in my house. My parents were my first example of their needs and feelings coming first. The demand for their comfort at the expense of others' was always present, and I understood that demand early on.

It took moving away, picking up new skills, then coming back to see what I learned at home was not how I wanted to continue in life. Some of the tools I picked up were ones that I wanted to implement, especially around saying yes to myself more. Learning how to say no became essential in my own well-being, and I had to get used to the discomfort. By saying no, I was beginning to recognize how others took advantage of of my yeses, and that left me disappointed, unhappy, frustrated, and depleted. My awareness became more heightened, and saying no became more common in my daily life.

What a Real YES Looks Like

Face the Discomfort

When someone makes an ask of me now, I try to take a pause. I assess whether or not this person is worthy of my time and energy and resources, and I make a decision. Typically, my gut (or instinct) does all the talking. If I listen to it, I know right away what the answer is going to be. However, I still take some time to think it over, just in case I am having a moment of unclarity. This part is deep, because it’s really connecting with myself and who I am and I prevent burnout of my mental health or physical health. It takes time to get to this space, especially if you’re raised to think that you come last and everyone else comes first.

Many people from my past, people I have allowed to dictate what they need of me, still come creeping around and asking me things because in the past I have allowed it. That's when setting boundaries becomes a necessity. People want what they want, and it’s our job to let them know what we are willing to give them, and more importantly, what we are not. Saying no feels uncomfortable at first, but it feels a lot better than doing things that make you low key hate yourself because you feel used. It’s choosing your hard, choosing your discomfort. It’s either you or them. Make the choice. I will always vote for myself now. And I hope you vote for yourself.

Saying No Is As Fun As Riding a Merry-Go-Round

Is There Really Pleasure in Saying No?

Maybe it sounds mean to you to want to say no more to people. When you’re not used to it, it absolutely will. I’m here to tell you, there is delight. At the very least there is relief, and that isn't something to take lightly. Feeling guilty about saying no to others can be eradicated from your life, because you're now saying yes to yourself, and you deserve a yes. You deserve many yeses. Taking back your time and energy and resources is like no other pleasure you can imagine. Letting the vampires and blood suckers fall away will open your life up to so much more.

The right people start showing up, the wrong people go away, you start to respect yourself more, and you have time to dive deep into what YOU want, not what everyone else wants of/from you. One of my phrases is: if you’re not paying my bills, you don’t get to tell me where my time goes. Believe me when i tell you that yes, you will be uncomfortable, but you will start seeing how people really feel about you and how they honor you (or don't). It can be difficult and humbling and possibly even embarrassing. Letting people treat you like a doormat sucks, there is no way around that. But when you start to stand firm in your core beliefs and givings, you will find that saying no is a superpower.

Saying Peace to the Old Ways

How Do You Tell Someone No?

Saying no is a practice, and one I'm going to lay out clearly here on how to do it. These are tools I use myself, and I often have to go back to when I'm starting to flounder. As much practice as I've given myself, I often get very verbose when it comes to my explanations. Totally unnecessary, and I don't want you to suffer from the same issues, though you might already. We're in this together, so let's go over some ways to say no. And kindly.

Start Small

Don't start saying no to going to your sister's wedding because you don't like her fiancé. And maybe don't skip every holiday that your parents plan. Let's start with saying no to your friend who asks you to repeatedly watch her kids. Sure, it's nice for her to have a free and trustworthy babysitter, but you're burnt out and need time alone. Say no. She'll still be friends with you...if she's really a friend.

Stick to the No

Saying no and then doing the thing anyway is your pitfall. As uncomfortable as it may seem and feel, stick with your decision to not attend the party where there's excessive drinking you don't want to be around. Skip the after work happy hour and go cuddle your dog. Caving in gives your boss the opportunity to ask for more time from you, and you don't want to give anymore of that. Say no and don't waver.

Simple Will Suffice

As I write this, I was asked by a friend to help out at her store. I naturally would go into a long explanation about why I can't. Instead, I said that my week is spoken for and left it at that. There was no need for me to justify to anyone why I was unable or unwilling to do the thing. Keep your answers simple. It will help with credibility.

"No" is a Complete Sentence

If you don't want to do something, all you have to say is "no" and maybe add a "thank you" to the end of the sentence. If you're southern like I am, it's almost always "no thank you." There is no need to get into any further discussion about why you want your own time, and I strongly encourage you to practice this simplicity when you can. Remember, if they aren't paying your bill, they don't get a say. No is no, and it's good enough.

Make Sure You Have Good Friends to Cheer You Up

What to Expect

People are going to be confused, agitated, angry even. Let them. (Who am I? Mel Robbins?) You bending over backwards for someone else’s personal benefit when your insides are roiling does not serve you whatsoever. It harms you, actually. Doing things that go against your true being lower your confidence and your opinion of your own self. And I’ll be honest, it also lowers others’ opinions of you. That’s why you’re here in the first place. People accept the access to you that you have given them - hard stop. The great news is that you have the right and the agency to make modifications if you need to. You are not trapped in the yeses of yesterday. Each day you get to decide how you show up for yourself, and standing in that power will change your world. Let's go over what to expect when you start saying no more.

Discomfort

You're going to feel uncomfortable. We've covered this. The good thing about discomfort is that it's just a feeling. Put your hand over your heart, close your eyes, and tell yourself you are safe and you can do hard things. I know you can do this, in spite of the severe discomfort you are experiencing.

Guilty Feelings

I f***ing hate guilt. It's such a miserable feeling because it's one that was put on us as a young person by *someone* (typically our parents) before we could know better. We think we owe people things we don't, and it's a total lie. Guilt is something I've spent my life getting rid of because it has done zero good things for me. And it won't for you. The quicker you can get rid of guilt, the better. Work on this one in a big way to protect your mental state.

Pushback

Of course people are going to pushback on you. When you've become the doormat, the punching bag, the pushover, why would anyone want you to change? It doesn't serve them, but you know what? It doesn't serve you to be those things, so liberate yourself and say no to these vampires. Repeat after me: unless you're paying my bills, you don't get a say. Thank you and goodbye.

Clarity

Here's the good news. You get a lot of clarity when you start to say no. Not everything you experience is bad. In fact, most of it is good. Clarity about everything is what you get to have in your life. You'll know who your true friends are, what your boss and/or clients think of you, how your significant other perceives you. All of this just by beginning to say no. It's magical. Clarity is kindness...to yourself.

Self-Trust

Trusting yourself is one of the things that I believe is the most important muscle you can work for yourself. I wrote a blog on the importance of self-worth, and this goes hand in hand. I'd highly recommend you read it because self-worth and self-trust make a badass human being. I know you're a badass, even if you haven't fully developed into one. I am so excited to see you embody it, though. From experience, it's otherworldly.

Stand Tall, Stand Firm. And Celebrate Your Strength

Stand Firm in Your No

Once you make your no known, stick to it. If you waiver, others will smell the fear and come at you like sharks after chum. Let yourself feel the discomfort. Go for a walk, do a meditation, call a friend, or journal. Whatever you have to do to let that no stick, do it. Hell, you can call me and I will give you all the encouragement (and a good pump up) to help you stick to your no. Go through the examples of the past of why you said no in the first place. All the stomach aches and headaches that you dealt with to please someone else’s needs. The crazy things is, you’re not even doing them a service. You’re only enabling them. So if you need a reframe, tell yourself you’re doing the asker a favor by saying no. It will help you grow, and it will help that person grow, even if said person kicks and screams the whole time. Again, let them, We are adults and can handle ourselves however we choose. No means no; stick to it.

Become a 2-Year-Old Again

Go back to being like a toddler and say the word no. Young children naturally say no, yet somewhere along the line we are conditioned to be yes-people. Screw that. Give yourself permission to say no when the feeling is not right. I’ve lost relationships over it, pissed people off, had people walk away from me because of it. Goodbye. Good riddance. Our relationship was based on my discomfort and you getting what you wanted. NO thank you. I now have the most amazing relationships, all of which are based on the comfort of us saying yes AND no to one another. It’s a beautiful evolution in my life, and one I am so proud of for myself. As soon as I started saying no to the complete bullshit, I started saying yes to the good stuff, and I regret nothing. I believe you'll feel the same.

Learning To Say No And Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is one of the easiest segues to saying no to people. Boundaries, as I've discovered the older I get, are most imperative to your own peace and self-worth. They are not meant to keep people out. To the contrary, they are meant to teach people who they are allowed to treat you. That keeps people in your life rather than repelling them, though people will get repelled when you begin to set boundaries. One of my sisters asked to re-enter my life, and when I told her I'd be open if we discussed boundaries and expectations, I did not hear from her again regarding the re-entry. There are people who will not accept you advocating for yourself. It's only a reflection of their shortcomings, not of your growth. Keep going despite the discomfort.

A Great Read for Your Self Worthiness

How To Say No Without Hurting Someone Feelings

You're going to hurt people's feelings when you say no to them. My best advice is to get used to the discomfort of it and let yourself sit in that discomfort. What you'll discover is that you will not die, burst into flames, or have any other physical harm done to you. It might feel like that inside of your body at first, but the more you do it, the less you'll feel it. Hurting someone's feelings is not your problem. Each individual is responsible for his or her feelings, and that relieves you of the responsibility of everyone around you. I give zero shits about someone who gets their feelings hurt because of their own issues. However, I can extend compassion for where they are in life. There's a big difference, and it's taken me a long time to get to this point.

Learning To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

I've mentioned earlier how disgusted I feel around guilt because it was something that was imposed upon us before we knew how to put a protective shield around ourselves to stop it. You can develop said protective shield as an adult, though, and stop feeling guilt for doing things that benefit you and your well being. Sticking up for your own needs is not selfish, despite what the people around us may have tried to make us think. Guilt is an awful feeling and can be so strong that we compromise so much of ourselves to try to get rid of it. Again, let yourself sit in the discomfort and feel the guilt. But don't continue to compromise yourself because you think you're making someone else's life better. It's not done for the right reasons, and no one benefits from the residual resentment that happens. And it always does.

Learning To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Saying no may be something you're not familiar with at all, somewhat familiar, or very familiar. Whichever stage you are in, you'll get validation from this blog that it's the right thing to do, particularly for your well being. Self-sacrifice for the sake of other people's comfort is something that leads to more issues, not less, and it's best to assess when to say yes and when to say no. This isn't a bid for selfishness or self-absorption. It's a bid for you to take care of yourself and put your oxygen mask on first so you can help others around you properly. The yeses can come more genuinely when you learn to say no first. It's taken me years to learn this myself, and I can assure you it's one of the best things I've learned. I'm a happier person for it, and the people around me benefit greatly. And it all started with a no.

If you liked this blog, you might also like the blog I wrote about becoming the main character in your life or ways to feel more confident.

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