How to Raise Your Self-Worth

If you’ve ever felt confident on the outside but unworthy on the inside, you’re not alone. Self-worth is a topic I’ve gone very deep into over the last few years. It was perplexing to me why I appeared confident to others — and even felt confident at times — but never truly felt worthy of the good things that happened.

As I dug into why that was, I realized it was because I had low self-worth, something shaped from a very young age. Whether those beliefs were formed internally or reinforced by external messages around me, I did not believe I was worthy of true goodness in my life. In fact, I didn’t even know what that looked like for a long time. What I did know was that people with healthy internal dialogue did not look at or think about themselves the way I did, and I was going to change that. If I can help to give you back some quality of life with my words here, I’m going to do that. Raising your self-worth is absolutely doable, and if you’re reading this, I believe you can do it too.

Relaxed and Happy

Defining self-worth is easy. Having self-worth can be challenging. A clear way to define self-worth is this: Self-worth is the belief that you have inherent value simply because you exist — not because of what you accomplish, how you look, or how others judge you. As a side-by-side, the definition of self-confidence is trust in your own skills, judgment, and ability to cope with challenges or unfamiliar situations. Self-worth focuses on internal value, while self-confidence relates to your abilities and actions. It’s a fascinating concept to me that some people were born with the ability to value themselves simply for being on this earth. I’m forever a student of this, and will be for the rest of my life. My self-worth is leaps and bounds greater than it was years ago. And I continue to strengthen it each day with practice.

Self-worth is important because it influences everything we do in life. If we’re chronically feeling bad or suffering with our mental health, there could absolutely be a self-worth issue that needs to be addressed. I’d like to go over just a few reasons self-worth is important.

Stronger Boundaries in Relationships

In my experience, having higher self-worth has resulted in me getting clearer on my boundaries, my values, and my morals. Gone are the days of apologizing for not people pleasing and putting myself after another person or persons. As we build self-worth, we gain clarity on what matters to us - not just what someone else told us should matter. When you have self-worth, your relationships often change, and often improve. You’re more likely to exit bad situations and enter ones that align with who you actually are, leaving you to feel good about your relationships in general. I’m not saying this is easy, but I am saying it’s completely worth it.

Healthier Career Decisions and Less Burnout

I’ll give you an anecdote. I used to work for my family’s business. When I tell you it was utter hell, I am not exaggerating. Members of my family would come at me. And I would always think, “I could do 99 things right, but if I do 1 thing wrong, that’s their focus.” Because I had such low self-worth, I stayed in it for far longer than I should’ve. I’ve since built two businesses that have eradicated low self-worth and a lack of confidence in myself. Both were missing, and I built them up little by little. Now, I am doing my life’s calling. And I couldn’t be more proud of myself for sticking to it. My negative self-talk only shows up sometimes, and when it does, I’m prepared to tell it to kick rocks. One other thing is that I have let myself rest when I need it without penalizing myself for being “lazy.” Burnout is real, and we have to have tools to deal with it. See my blog on business owner burnout for more on that topic.

Better Mental Health and Emotional Resilience

When you’re dealing with problems such as depression, fear of failure, perfectionism, and more, you’re likely dealing with a low self-worth. I’m not saying this is 100% of the time, but I’ve had all of these issues and it all boiled down to my lack of self-worth. Having a higher self-worth gives you an internal sense of peace, which is truly the most underrated feeling anyone could ever have. When things don’t go the way you thought they would go, you’re much better able to keep it together and know that the universe (or whatever you believe) is working FOR you. Your resilience becomes higher. And you know that your value is not on any one thing that happens in your life. External factors don’t shake you the way they used to when your self-worth was lower.

I Love You Just for Being You

I can’t remember a time in my childhood when I didn’t equate lovability and likability with conditions and performance. If you weren’t pretty enough, you couldn’t sit at a lunch table. Your grades weren’t good enough? You were punished. My parents definitely didn’t let me know I was lovable just for being me. There was always a performance that was needed to appease their own self-worthiness issues, which translated directly to how I was raised.

Here’s the good news: it didn’t stick because I refused to let it. Something in me decided that I was going to live a different type of life, and it was going to be filled with the things I felt were important to me - not because someone dictated the importance to me. Like I did, you can challenge negative thoughts and replace them with beliefs that better support you. It took me a while not to want to burn my entire life down (though in some areas I have). I’ve gradually made my life my own, and that has given me oodles of self-worth. I trust myself by dealing with one life event after another.

First we must realize that these old narratives are here, inside of us. We must question whether they are true or not, where they came from, and were they passed down to us by people with low self-esteem and high self-loathing. Establishing new boundaries becomes imperative, and trusting your intuition is the faith you need in yourself. If you’re dealing with low self-esteem yourself, let’s go further and figure out how to turn that into high self-esteem.

Low self-worth is frequently developed early and through repeated messages of being told you have to perform for approval and/or love. I’m in no way suggesting you blame your parents or primary caregivers for eternity for this, nor do I suggest they knew that they were doing this. It was likely passed down to them as well. Now that you’re aware of it, though, it is your problem to fix, and you can fix it. But let’s start with the causes of it listed out so we’re clear.

Chronic Comparison

If you’re someone who is always looking to others for what to do, how to do things, or what you want in your life, you’re at risk of reinforcing or developing low self-worth. Whether you’re turning to your neighbor who just built a mansion and feeling envious or checking your frenemy’s Instagram page for the latest update on her “perfect” love life, it’s a recipe for disaster. You think you’re missing out, missing something internally, and somehow don’t deserve these things. Comparison is the thief of joy. So I encourage you to be on the lookout for when this creeps up.

Trauma or Emotionally Invalidating Environments

Some years back, I stopped going to my parents’ house altogether. I couldn’t walk into that house without my body clenching, clamping, and feeling small. The environment in which I grew up has had a lasting effect. And as I noted this through my visits, I chose to protect myself and stay away. Recognizing traumatic environments will help you see where you need to pull back so you can move forward.

Perfectionism and People-Pleasing

I’ve struggled with perfectionism much of my life, and it shows up in various ways. When I became a business owner, a wife, a friend, I wanted to seem perfect. I wanted the people around me to think I could do anything, and do it with ease. The people around me had to see just how easy I could make life, all while I was depleting myself and sending myself into spirals. I was valuable, damnit, and I wanted people around me to know that.

Internalized Criticism or Shame

Something I have been working on recently is giving myself more compliments than criticisms. When I had a panic attack (my first and hopefully my last) I realized how hard I am on myself all the time. It became evident through feedback from friends that I needed to dial back the constant inner critic and give myself grace. And as far as shame goes, this is a scary one because it’s absolutely about how we were taught to perceive ourselves. If shame is in your daily life, please focus on eliminating it. It’s so dangerous to your mental health and completely unnecessary because it’s not your burden to carry.

Traveling in NYC!

Because low self-worth usually isn’t developed from one single experience, but through repeated experiences and over time, it’s going to likely be part of how you’re currently wiring. The good news is that the wiring can change, and I am proof of that. You can’t help where you came from, but you can help where you’re going. Experiences and environments change if you want them to and make them happen, therefore you change. Here are some signs of low self-worth in case you are wondering if you have any.

• Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries
• Chronic people-pleasing or fear of disappointing others
• Harsh or critical self-talk
• Tying self-worth to productivity, success, or approval
• Feeling undeserving of rest, support, or good things
• Minimizing personal needs or emotions
• Difficulty receiving compliments
• Staying in relationships or situations that feel misaligned

Building self-worth is a process. A long, committed process of you getting real with yourself. It’s about tapping into your SELF, your true being, your intuition. The process is one that can be challenging and tear-invoking. And sometimes feel like you’re burning your entire life down. Other times it can feel like little acts of kindness to yourself that make you feel proud. It runs the gamut of emotions and actions. And I can confidently say it’s totally worth it all. You’ll develop into a person you’re so very proud to be, and the people around you will see just how spectacular you are. Let’s start building that self-worth. Here are some tips.

Identify and Challenge Core Beliefs about Worth

You know whose beliefs you’re probably carrying around? The people who raised you - their beliefs and values. And they are carrying around the people before them. Modern psychologists are leaning into creating your own traditions, to stop trying to make dead people happy and start making future generations proud. You must challenge the current beliefs and values you hold and ask yourself if they align with who you really are.

Practice Self-Validation Instead of External Validation

Yes, it’s hard to go inward and rely on yourself when for so long you were told not to trust yourself and to rely on the opinions of others. I’m going to challenge you to break that cycle in the smallest of ways at first, and move on to bigger things as you gain confidence. I’ve done many things in my life that others have judged. But because I’m so resolved in my self-knowing, I can securely (not always easily) brush the opinions off. It’s my life to live. And I have to live with myself at the end of the day when my head hits my pillow.

Set and Maintain Boundaries

I love a good boundary. They come with all kinds of kickback from the people around who are used to you performing a certain way. And when I say performing, it’s exactly what it is when you realize it doesn’t align with you and you choose to change the behavior. Others will do whatever it takes to get you to not change, as it no longer serves them. But what a gift to yourself. You are standing up for yourself because you deserve it. Others can either fall in line, adjust, or go away. Easier said than done, but you’re reading this from someone who has gotten very clear on her boundaries despite the consequences. I’m not scared of a boundary anymore.

Take Aligned Action Even When Self-Doubt is Present

It’s not your fault if you were raised with self-doubt. Many of us had people dictating to us how we are to behave to get attention or love, or both. When you become an adult, though, and your body can’t take it anymore, you get to make the rules for yourself. I write a good blog about how to find your authentic self. And you’ll see it’s a process, just as trusting yourself is. Get quiet, learn your needs, and take the action despite the fear. Building the self-worth muscle takes time to get strong, so do the reps. Each time you do is easier than the last.

Connecting with an Out of Town Dear Friend

How Social Media Affects Self-Worth

As someone who loves a good Instagram reels binge, I have to stop myself from being on there too long. I notice my mental state gets agitated and uneasy. And taking a break is the only way for me to get away from it. Social media shows only what people choose to put on there, and it’s not the hysterical crying due to heartache, the panic attacks over unresolved family trauma, or the death of a loved one. It’s curated, and it’s got its place. Limiting your exposure and only following people you truly and genuinely enjoy can help your experience. Anyone else needs to go. Your self-worth is not worth the sacrifice.

How to Help Someone with Low Self-Worth

Feelings are all valid. That is not up for debate. They are real and they belong solely to us, whatever the situation. If someone has low self-worth, that is real, and it should be treated as such. What helps a person increase their self-worth is simply being there for them, letting them know they are loved just the way they are, and giving them space to be themselves. I’ve had the privilege of being around people who make me feel this way after a lifetime of not, and it is life-changing.

How Can Dance Increase Your Self-Esteem and Self-Worth?

Before I knew this was a thing, I would put on music I love and dance around my kitchen by myself (ok, my pets were witness). It was and still is a cathartic practice of mine, and I continue to do it. I’ve explained my dance parties to my car. And I imagine the people around me thinking I’m either the most insane person or the most fun person. Dancing gives you body awareness, movement, and self-expression. It helps reconnect you to your SELF both physically and emotionally. Dancing is a gift, and a free gift. Use it!

What is the Difference Between Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Here’s the simplest way to explain it: Self-esteem often relates to how you evaluate your abilities, achievements, or performance in specific areas. Self-worth is deeper and more stable — it’s the belief that you have value regardless of outcomes, success, or approval. Someone can feel confident in certain skills yet still struggle with overall self-worth.

How Do You Measure Self-Worth

If you have an answer to this, I’d like to know. What I can summarize from my work in self-worth is that I feel very comfortable making hard decisions now. I feel less like I need opinions to make these decisions. And I’m not overly concerned with who agrees with me or not. My inner critic voice is much quieter and has almost gone away completely. And I overall trust myself much more. I also feel proud of myself a lot more, and not afraid of tooting my own horn in a way that isn’t arrogant, but genuinely happy for myself. There’s no official measurement for self-worth, but you know when you’ve got it, especially when you didn’t before.

Our old programming is deep, and we must always be aware of how we are treating ourselves. Our self-worth is not tied to our accomplishments, or achievements, who we are partnered with or friends with. It’s simply just being ourselves, the way that we are meant to be and not the way someone prescribed us to be. It’s a fascinating journey, and one that I am proud to be on, for myself and for inspiration of those around me. Often I feel like a butterfly, and one that continues to get reborn over and over. Building self-worth is never a waste of effort. And I do hope that you know you’re worth it. I’m cheering for you. And if this resonated for you, I share reflections like this regularly in my newsletter, and you’re always welcome there.

If you liked this blog, you might also like the one I wrote about why is growth mindset important or why is self-worth important.

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