How to Overcome Insecurity 

Insecurity is something that is not unique among any one person. It’s something most of us experience, whether in small or large quantities. Being insecure does not automatically mean being weak in nature; however, if it persists it can lead to overthinking, comparing yourself to others, fear of rejection, needing constant reassurance, and more. Typically it’s a learned issue and can be corrected with the right adjustments in your life. You don’t need to carry the scarlet letter of insecurity on your chest the rest of your life, if you so choose.

Growing up with a mother whose insecurities ruled the way we lived our lives (and is this way even today), I have spent much of my adult life undoing what I learned due to the rather long term effects of it. I’ve suffered from insecurity in many areas of my life, though things have improved for me drastically. I knew I didn’t want to live a life where how I felt about myself was dictated by those around me, or my environment. Learning how to overcome insecurity is essential for improving confidence, communication, and emotional wellbeing in both personal and professional life. I’m dedicating this post to discuss these things.

One of the most mind-blowing insights I’ve had is that insecurity begets insecurity. I find that who I am with has the biggest influence over whether I feel more or less secure in myself. I’ve cut many people loose when I realize that my security levels have dropped when I am around them. This has been and continues to be a rather eye-opening realization. Because I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing myself and those around me, checking in with how I feel after interactions, I have a solid baseline. I’ve become rather sensitive to other people’s energy, and their insecurities are part of that. When they become too much, I exit stage left. Growing up with it was quite enough for me. I won’t suffer through in adulthood.

Insecurity as a whole influences things like decision making, career growth, and communication. When a person feels insecure, they may avoid social setting due to internal discomfort. Even in the dating world, I’ve heard numerous women I know tell me that men have blatantly said “you’re too good for me,” which means they feel threatened. My advice: run for the hills. It’s not a compliment, and you’ll suffer through that person knocking you down to their level so they feel more secure. Rarely do they rise to the occasion.

One of the best ways to lessen or eliminate insecurity is not by pretending confidence, like the fake it till you make it theory. Instead, you need to recognize signs of insecurity or insecurities, take control of those second thoughts you have, and create new behaviors. And then continue to practice them over and over until they are second nature. People feel helpless sometimes, but I can assure you that this is all possible. This is cliche, but if I can do it, most others can too.

Take a look at how to have a better mindset. This complements many strategies I discuss here.

Hiking Mountains!

Insecurity is a constant and persistent feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt. Many people with insecurities are constantly worrying about other people’s opinions or judgments, and the belief that they are not enough. It’s a rotten place to live mentally, and I know from my own experience I didn’t want to live out my entire life in that headspace. So I started to make adjustments.

Other ways it can manifest is through anxiety, jealousy, or shame, all of which are terrible ways to feel - I would know. Some people with insecurities need constant assurance, which can be exhausting if you’re on the other end of that neediness. Insecurity, in my opinion, are the results of other people’s lies told to another, which the person has internalized. Security and insecurity is formed through early childhood experiences, attachment styles, or the types of feedback given in life. If it’s not addressed and corrected, it leads to a very unhappy life.

• Some common signs of insecurity are:
• Constant comparison to others
• Difficulty accepting compliments
• Fear of abandonment
• Overanalyzing social interactions
• Perfectionism driven by fear of failure
• Feeling threatened by others’ success
• Avoiding situations where you might fail
• Spending excessive time replaying conversations

Confident in Paris

The reason it’s good to stay positive is because there is a better way of living. I’m living proof of it. Each day (now) I wake up with a rainbow coming out of my ass and I absolutely love it. I rise from my sleep very early, with a positive attitude, and I don’t take life for granted anymore. It took effort, my friends. Staying optimistic and knowing there was something else, something I hadn’t gotten to experience yet, was my motivation. I wanted to see just how happy I could be in life. And my gems, I tell you now, life is better than good. It’s the grandest experience I could’ve imagined. If this gives you nothing else, I hope it gives you hope to get that mental headspace into a place where you have hope, and that leads to positivity.

There are plenty of ways a person can develop an insecurity or insecurities. I’ll highlight some of the more common ways they creep into our beings, and you can see if any of them resonate with you.

Childhood Criticism or Emotional Neglect

When the caretakers of children lead by criticism, it causes major insecurities. Additionally, when young children experience emotional neglect, it has lasting effects of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Attachment Style Patterns

This is something I’ve personally worked on for years. I had anxious attachment most of my life due to how I was raised. Through therapy and behavioral changes and practice, I have gotten into a more secure attachment style. This is something to pay attention to for us all.

Past Relationship Betrayal

Who hasn’t brought some baggage into their future when having experienced negative things prior? When we’ve been abandoned or betrayed, it causes insecurities that can spill over into our current romantic relationships or friendships, even if the other person is trustworthy. Yikes!

Social comparison Amplified by Social Media

I talk a fair amount about the dangers of social media exposure, and this article is no different. When you expose yourself to curated lives, you may start feeling insecure about your own imperfect life. Here’s the thing, we’re all living these mess, perfectly imperfect lives. No one’s is 10/10 perfect.

Trauma or Bullying

Most people have had some kind of trauma in their lives. Many people have experienced bullying. It could come from inside or outside of your home, and all of it causes deep insecurities in life.

Cultural or Family Expectations

One of the saddest things to me is when adult children are still trying to please their parents. For what? If where you were raised is dictating your life, you may experience yourself falling short, and that leads to insecurity.

Repeated Failure Experiences

My favorite thing to do is to fail fast. I’ve framed failure as a tool to get better. However, when a person is raised to perceive failure as negative, it can cause a real issue in one’s self-worth. I’d read my blog on why is self-worth important for more context.

When you are feeling insecure in your relationships, many unfortunate things can happen, and I’m going to lay them out. The goal is to feel more secure, and that takes awareness and practice. First let’s see how insecurity affects a relationship.

Jealousy and Suspicion

I remember dating a guy who reeked of jealousy and suspicion. It was an absolute nightmare, and the worst part was I ended up becoming this way in the next relationship. Awful.

Emotional Withdrawal

Rejection or the thought of rejection can be hard. We see it everyday in our modern dating world. People have emotionally withdrawn and can’t find fulfilling relationships because of this.

Clinginess or Excessive Reassurance Seeking

We all know this type, whether a friend of a partner. Do we want to spend time constantly telling someone how adequate they are? Likely not. Insecurity in this way can be a total buzz kill for the relationship.

Conflict Escalation

I’ve been guilty of this. Making a mountain out of a molehill when you feel insecure is difficult for the person on the receiving end. This isn’t something you want to make a habit of doing if you want to preserve a connection with your partner or friend.

Difficulty Trusting Your Partner

When trust becomes fleeting and internal fears dominate reason, it makes for you being insecure in a relationship, particularly with a partner or someone close to you. Being insecure in a relationship can dissolve even the best of them.

How to Stop Being Insecure

The goal is to mostly cease being insecure. We are all bumbling through life, not knowing what we’re doing, and needing to give ourselves and others much grace. If our insecurities are ruling our existence, it’s a good idea to stop them short and start living a robust, healthy, secure life. Here are some ways in which you can accomplish that.

Identify Your Core Beliefs

This is the biggest one. When you can realize that you are in a pattern of negative thoughts, you are much more likely to be able to stop them. When you notice them, write them down.

Challenge Cognitive Distortions

Absolutes are the bane of my existence. When people say “always” or “never” in their vernacular, I can tell they likely have a very fixed mindset. If you’re thinking this way, catastrophizing, or trying to mind read, be a scientist and find the evidence behind this.

Reduce Comparison Triggers

As I stated before, limit yourself in situations you are tempted to compare, like on social media. I’ve been doing this lately and it’s a game changer. I’m a much more productive and happier person.

Build Competence Through Action

Confidence grows from practice and then evidence. If you refuse to put yourself out there, you won’t improve at anything. Know your first time might suck, but keep going and you’ll realize how good you can get.

Practice Self Compassion

This is one I have personally had a hard time doing until recently. My inner critic has been loud most of my life, and that’s a direct result of how I was raised. However, as an adult, I get to speak to myself however I want, and I choose kindness (or will die trying).

Strengthen Boundaries

I wrote a piece on how to set boundaries with friends, and it could be translated to any relationship you have. Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Without them, you are quite unhappy or doomed.

Improve Emotional Regulation

I’ve recently been assigned breath work from someone I trust. It’s a good grounding technique that is free and effective to all of us. And we can do it anywhere. Use it!

Stop Seeking Constant Reassurance

As I write this, I realize I had this thought this morning. Why, when I know I’ll make my own choices anyway, do I feel the need to ask people’s opinions. It results in me feeling less sure of myself, and i’ve decided to stop doing it as much as I do. I am trustworthy to myself.

Reframe Failure

Like I said earlier, a good old reframe of failure will do you well. Think of it as one step closer to the outcome you desire. I love making mistakes because it gives me great data on what not to do, and how to do something better.

Develop Secure Relationship Behaviors

If you’re insecure in a relationship, this one is for you. State your fears clearly and without high emotion tor your partner. Communicate with your partner in a kind and direct way. Sometimes it’s how you say things and not what you say.

Invest in Personal Values

Recently this was put to the test in a relationship I had. My values about some things were put to the test, and instead of choosing my discomfort to accommodate someone else’s, I chose to leave the relationship. My values are very clear to me, and I refuse to compromise them for anyone.

Consider Therapy

Therapy works wonders if you let it. I’ve been in therapy for well over a decade, and I have learned a tremendous amount of things about myself, where I came from, and solutions to fixing what I wanted to fix. Find a good therapist, and don’t settle for anything but the right fit for you.

Solo Trips

Insecurity does not have to rule your life forever. Knowing we all suffer from it to a degree, it makes it easier that you aren’t finding a unicorn elixir to fix it. All you need is yourself, and the will to do it. Going through life as a person who was once full of insecurities to someone who has drastically reduced them, I can attest to it being worth the time and effort I’ve put into my growth. It won’t be an overnight occurrence, but little by little, you’ll shine like the star you are and feel cozy in your own skin. I want that for you, and I think you want that for you, too. Now go kick insecurity in its ass.

If you liked this piece,  you might also like the one I wrote about how to raise your self-worth or ways to feel more confident.

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