How To Set Boundaries With Friends

Friendships are an area of my life that I have grown to realize is in the top tier of importance. As I grow older, I see that my friends are the people who show up in my life the most. My family of origin story is very complicated and complex, and I’ve opted to distance myself from them. So, over the years, after feeling alone and lonely, I created relationships with people that are more powerful and robust than any I’ve ever had in my past. These are the people that take care of me when I am falling apart, who offer their time and energy to me if I’m down, and celebrate my wins like they are their own. I would never say I’m “lucky” because these friendships were not born from luck. They were born from intention and effort. Any relationship requires these elements. And friendships (especially adult ones) are no different.

Because I surround myself with women and men who have a good grasp of themselves and their own needs, we do really well together. No one is made to feel guilty or bad when he/she wants to speak up about something bothering him/her. A healthy friendship is one that each person is able to set boundaries, and the other person respects them. I’ve done this with my friends, and they have done this with me. We choose to have healthy conflict with one another, sometimes even quite heated. And then we have intentional repair and resolution. My friendships in my 40s have been nothing short of spectacular, and they have all come with work. The work feels good because we feel good with each other after. And that, in my opinion, is what makes good friends.

I’m going to write about how to set boundaries with friends from my own perspective and experience. Each of us has unique experiences, and mine is that way as well. I’m not a clinical expert on boundary setting (though I am excellent at setting boundaries in general) but I do have much to offer with my personal experiences. I’m going to be objective and subjective in this blog, and I’m going to help you discover how to set boundaries with your own friends, if that is something that you feel needs to happen. Setting boundaries is a good thing, and it actually boosts your confidence when you do it. 

My Amazing Adult Friendships

Many people get the wrong idea about boundaries. They think boundaries are fences or gates to keep other people out. Boundaries are simply your own little rulebook on how you want others to treat you so that you can honor yourself and keep your well-being well. For me, the older I have gotten, the more specific I want to run my life. I own two businesses, I have deep friendships, I have pets to care for, and I have a full life. My friends are not so dissimilar. We are all high-functioning humans who need to set our own rules for ourselves so we don’t fall apart for the sake of someone else’s peace.

Having healthy boundaries with friends means you have better friendships. The ones who benefit from a lack of boundaries from you are not your true friends, and that’s just a fact. It’s why my family is kept at a distance by me. For them, I’m much more “likable” when they don’t have any boundaries to respect. Those days are long gone, and so am I. Boundaries in friendship are mutually respected terms that you and your friends have with each other and for yourselves, and it makes the friendships so much stronger.

Setting boundaries is important because you deserve to treat yourself with respect and have other do the same. Boundaries keep you in check with yourself so that you know your baseline and limits. Stepping away from your boundaries creates chaos in your own life. And you end up disliking how you show up or who you become. I know this firsthand, and I will never forget it. Let’s discover why setting boundaries is important to you.

Your Emotional Energy is Protected

We are all emotional beings. All of us feel things every single day, all day everyday. If you’re in a relationship that ransacks your emotions regularly, that is not a healthy relationship. My friends and I are always rewriting our terms for ourselves and letting the other know what those terms are. It’s not to be mean to the other; it’s to protect ourselves so we can be better when we do show up, more present, more compassionate, more available. Boundaries protect energy.

You Prevent Resentment with Boundaries

When you’re willy nilly with your boundaries, or don’t have any, you end up resenting people just for being them. Despite not knowing how you feel, it angers you and you want to rage at them. Communicating your boundaries will give you a clear answer as to whether the other person cares or does not care about being in a relationship with you. When you find out that your boundary is perfectly acceptable, you feel safer and more secure in the relationship and in yourself. And no one builds resentment after that.

The Friendship is Strengthened

It may feel awkward to set your boundaries with a friend, but I can attest to this being one of the most bonding things you can do in a friendship. I’ve had serious talks with my friends about last-minute cancellations because I hate when people do that to me. And it only built our friendships with a stronger foundation. Sure, there is a little push and pull about boundaries, but that’s where the good stuff is. Identify and set your boundary, communicate it, and you’ll see how much stronger your friendship becomes.

You Lose the Guilty Feeling

Guilt is a feeling I absolutely hate. It’s one of those things put on us at a young age that makes us feel like garbage when it comes to speaking up for ourselves. We should never, and I mean never, feel bad about doing what is right for ourselves when it comes to healthy boundary setting. When you set a boundary and make it known, everyone is clear about that boundary. And you are not going to feel guilt for enforcing it.

Cheers to Boundaries

We need to dig a little deeper here if setting boundaries in a friendship (or any —ship) is new to you. For women especially, we have been raised to think boundaries for ourselves are selfish and rude, particularly to men. I reject that wholeheartedly. And I encourage you to start practicing setting boundaries in your friendships where it’s safe. That way you build the skill set and you can take it to any relationship you have after that. Here’s how to set some boundaries.

Get Very Clear on Your Needs

If you don’t know why you’re setting a boundary, no one is going to honor that boundary. First, you must get crystal clear on your needs so that you can help others around you meet these needs. My example above about the last minute cancellations is one I’ll use. I explained to my friends that it makes me feel like I am not valuable enough to keep plans with, and because I am so intentional with my time, I carve out that time for them. If they cancel for silly reasons, I lose my mind. They haven’t done it since because they care about me, and they tell me no if they have too much on their plate. Both are acceptable to me.

Say it Kindly

Some people are not great with what they consider to be confrontation. They think they have to be aggressive or rude, or they are meek and embarrassed. The best way to set a boundary is through kindness. Have some compassion for yourself and your needs, and relay that into the message you want to give to your friend(s). You don’t have to turn into a tiny mouse or fly off the handle to communicate your needs.

Plan for Discomfort and Awkwardness

It’s so hard, right?? Who wants to be uncomfortable? I don’t! But I have realized that discomfort is just a feeling, and feelings are allowed to come and go as I let them. I don’t have to hold onto that feeling tightly if I don’t want to, and I can live in a moment or moments of awkwardness. Telling people that you are going to change the rules to protect yourself better can be weird and awkward, but you can do hard things.

Hold the Line

Vacillating back and forth with your boundaries will serve exactly no one. It’s confusing and contradictory, and no one operates well under those terms. When you get clear on your boundary and set it with your friend, make sure you hold that boundary. With my friends, we have gotten so comfortable with boundary setting that we sometimes remind each other of the other’s boundary, making sure it’s ok if we bend the rules. That takes time, though, and we are always looking out for the other now. At first, toe the line with your own self.

What’s Their Response?

If the person you tell your boundary to in any way makes you feel bad or icky, take note of that. Sometimes people have knee jerk reactions that are on the poor side, but if it continues, you must be aware. I remember asking a friend to do something specific. He got very defensive at first, but after we talked it through, he actually owned the issue and we were then arguing over who was more at fault about our own actions. We each wanted to make it right for the other, and the conversation was a good catalyst to future issues that might need attention and resolution. For the ones who mock you for your boundaries, goodbye. There’s no room for that in your life.

Even Cats Set Boundaries

• Not responding to calls or messages right away
• Saying no to plans and not over explaining why
• Limiting draining conversations when you don’t have bandwidth 
• Asking for respectful communication between you
• Not discussing certain topics that may polarize 
• Saying yes to yourself more 

Starting your boundary building can feel strange and unfamiliar at first. Once you begin, though, it’s hard to stop. Showing up for yourself, loving yourself, and in turn being able to foster deep relationships as a result is worth all of the effort it takes to set and maintain your boundaries. Take it from someone who has gotten really good at this, it’s worth it. I’m a much stronger and happier person for it, and I love seeing how other people thrive when they set their boundaries. Waste no more time, and start communicating those boundaries.

If you liked this blog, you might also like the one I wrote about making friends as an adult or how to connect with people.

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