How to Make a Big Life Decision

Every day we make decisions, usually pretty small. What we’ll eat for lunch, or what we’ll wear that day. Big life decisions aren’t usually part of our day-to-day decision-making, so when one comes along, it can feel overwhelming. Sometimes the answer isn’t obvious, and sometimes it is. There’s typically not a guidebook telling you that your choice will be the right choice or the wrong choice, and you have to make the next best step. I know this feeling very well, as I’ve made some big decisions in life.

When I decided that I was serious about moving to Paris, it felt as though I was being overtaken by the process. I’ll try to explain. The choice to shut down a 15-year-old business, sell my house and car, leave my hometown, and start over in another country wasn’t one I made lightly. I grappled with the unknown. How do I know I’ll like it? What if building this new business there doesn’t work out? All of these questions were constantly swirling around my head until finally I realized: I can’t know unless I just do it. Making the decision of starting over in your 40s was a big one, and one I was ready to explore.

This definitely wasn’t my first major life decision. I’ve been married twice, divorced twice, built two businesses, shut down one business, walked away from relationships that needed to end, bought and sold properties, and the list could go on. With each big decision, I became a little more confident that I could handle the next one. It also taught me that most decisions can be reversed or I could pivot if it wasn’t working.

There’s always going to be a bit of self-doubt and uncertainty involved. That’s the part of being human you can’t really avoid. We’re always searching for what the “right” decision is based on history and trying to project the future. Often we think if we make a “wrong” decision it will derail our whole lives. Most of the time, it’s not the case, and a fulfilling and robust life does not involve perfect decisions. In fact, there’s no such thing. It’s about figuring out what matters to you and getting yourself a step closer with each choice you make.

Everyone has their own idea of what big decisions look like to them. What feels massive to one person is another’s relatively simple decision. I’m not going to grade your decision based on how big I think it is, nor will I tell you which decision to make in your life - that’s up to you. I am going to share what I’ve personally learned in my life about the decision-making process and how I’ve become more confident navigating the choices that ultimately shape the future and maybe move towards knowing how to create the life you want.

Any major life decision would best be approached with reflection, research, and a very clear understanding of what is important to you. Running through the scenarios in your head or writing them out is helpful, as you can then separate what you actually want versus catastrophising and being afraid of what might happen.

Moving to Paris for me is a great example because I went through dozens of “what ifs” to consider. I had to go from living in Paris as a dream to beginning the practical steps of actually getting there. This involved applying for a visa, securing a place to live, figuring out how to transport three pets, and much, much more. What I kept asking myself was “do I still want this enough to make this happen?” I also always gave myself permission to pull the plug. As it turns out, living in Paris was something I wanted badly enough, and here I am!

Knowing how to approach important decisions does not eliminate uncertainty. We don’t even know if we’ll be alive tomorrow. It can make the uncertainty much easier to tolerate, though. Something that I come back to thinking during these processes of making big decisions is: so far in my life, things have always worked out, one way or another, and this is no different. I do my due diligence, weigh the pros and cons, and I come to the conclusion that is aligned with where I am in my life at that moment. Doing big and bold things is not easy, and I wrote about some of this in my piece on why is change so hard. Understanding our resistance to change can make these moments easier to navigate.

Cheers to Making Big Decisions

Again, this is subjective to how you feel about certain decisions. Many people would feel like the following are decisions that can significantly affect your future.

• Moving to a new city or country
• Getting married
• Getting divorced
• Having children or not having children
• Changing careers
• Starting a business
• Shutting down or selling a business
• Buying or selling a home
• Ending relationships (particularly important ones)
• Going back to school or learning a new trade
• Retiring
• Making a major financial investment
• Traveling or living abroad
• Starting over after a major life change

Many of these I have done myself, and many people would have a hard time understanding just how significant some of them are without having gone through them themselves. Ending some of my previous friendships has been weird and uncomfortable, but I knew inside myself that there were certain people I couldn’t take with me forever. Selling my precious house that I poured myself into renovating to move to France was excruciating for me at first. Leaving the financial comfort of two incomes through divorce was a hard decision, but the right one.

Whether it looks easy to the outside world or not, the importance and significance is yours alone, and no one can dictate that to you. You are the only one living your life, and how you feel about any of your biggest decisions is your own.

Here are some ideas to help you when considering a big decision.

What Do You Actually Want?

I’m going to let you in on a secret I’ve discovered: many (maybe most) people don’t know what they actually want in life. They’ve never taken the time to dream, to wonder, to journal about what it is that is in their heart of hearts. That results in not knowing what you really want. A lot of people live based on what other people have expected or wanted from them, and not what they actually want. We choose things based on practicality and not our truest form of desire.

I’ve done several things that are considered out of the box or out of the ordinary, and not everyone has understood my choices. When I decided to move to Paris, it was so far beyond some people’s ideas of what was realistic that I eventually stopped looking for other people’s approval or excitement. Sure, staying in New Orleans where I was already comfortable and set up would’ve been easy, but my soul would’ve been crushed every day I was not in Paris. So, I made it happen. Zero regrets.

Your Values

Getting clear on your values is something that will help you more easily navigate how you make decisions. The clearer you are, the less time it takes for something to feel right or wrong, and that cuts down on a lot of time hemming and hawing. Taking time to ground yourself in what matters most to you is a great way to make future decision-making more efficient. Don’t like how someone is behaving? Invite them to leave. Itching to live in the city of your dreams because you want to be a full-time writer? Pack up and move. I’m oversimplifying it, but also, it can be easier than you think.

Your Desired Lifestyle

For years before moving to Paris, I fantasized over what my average day would look like there. Walking to everything, having wine on my balcony, walking my dog and picking up his poop on the streets of Paris. I also wanted to do exactly what I’m doing this very moment: writing here, in my apartment, at my computer, and producing content that would help you realize your own dreams and desired lifestyle. Whatever it is, it’s available to you. And it doesn’t have to involve anything you’ve ever seen in the people around you before. You can be the first.

The Pros and Cons

Weighing the pros and cons can help you determine whether a decision makes sense for the life you want. When I knew that I would have to potentially walk down flights of stairs or get in an elevator every time my dog had to use the bathroom (and in the middle of the night like last night), it felt like a con. My New Orleans house had a nice side door that I’d let him out and wait. But the massive pros outweighed those cons, so it isn’t always an apples-to-apples comparison. My overall quality of life was going to improve by moving, and I had to go through the exercise of weighing my options.

What You’re Afraid of

Fear is a very healthy emotion. It keeps you safe and protects you when you need it. However, crippling fear is not healthy. When it prevents you from doing most anything outside of what you know, it can be problematic. A long time ago, I started to ask myself this: “Am I going to burst into flames if I do ____?” The answer was always no, so I would go ahead and do the thing. The fear was still present, but I chose to override it with bravery. The results have been immense, and my confidence grew with every decision made that I didn’t let my fear rule.

Whether the Decision is Reversible

The only thing I could ever think of that would be irreversible would be to have kids, something that I chose never to do because of being afraid to repeat some (most) of my family’s dysfunctional patterns. I never wanted another human to experience what I did, so I made a very careful decision to never have biological children. Most other decisions in my life have been able to be corrected or reversed or pivoted into something different. Nothing is permanent, and that’s a comforting thing to me.

Happy in Paris

Here are some of my ideas of how you can make big decisions in your life. It’s going to be slightly different for everyone, but this is a good start.

Get Clear About What You Want

The older I’ve gotten, the clearer I am about what I want. When you make enough decisions, you tend to start to know quicker what you’re craving or needing in life, and that’s a privilege. It does take work, though. I wrote a piece about starting over in your 40s because I wanted people to know how, at any age, going for it, whatever “it” is, is within your reach. I’m living proof of that. I had to first get clear on my vision, and that was number one.

I also have a strong faith, and I check in with God to make sure I'm aligned each step of the way. This won't be for all of you, but it wouldn't be my story or opinion if I didn't add this.

Gather the Facts

As I have stated many times in life “people hate facts” because they display what can and cannot be done. When I started to gather the facts of moving to Paris and how it was within my reach, not some pipe dream, I couldn’t excuse myself any longer. My abstract dream became a reality relatively quickly, and I was off to the races and figuring out how to move to Paris. Research and data gathering cuts through what is feasible and what isn’t, and what you find might just turn a decision that feels impossible into something that feels attainable.

Consider the Best and Worst Outcomes

I love making catastrophes out of scenarios because it gives me the freedom to be as ridiculous as I need to be. What if I fall off planet earth? What if I run out of all my money and no one hires me? Will any of my friends still talk to me if I move? Go through the scenarios, let yourself shake it out, and then ask this question: “What if it all works out?” From there, you can dream about your best-case scenario. I did this with Paris, and when I tell you I had the most seamless move anyone I’ve known has had, I’m not exaggerating. It all worked out, and even with the hiccups I encountered, it just wasn’t that bad.

Stop Looking for a Risk-Free Choice

When I was going back and forth with Paris, I kept trying to force a guaranteed outcome that I would be happy and successful when I moved there. When I let go of that and realized that some of my biggest rewards came from my biggest risks, I felt more secure in moving forward with each step. Leaving is a choice. Staying is a choice. Doing nothing is a choice. And this goes for anything you are debating. No, you cannot predict the future - none of us can. You may as well not stay with the devil you know and eliminate the feeling of regret in the future. Remember, you can always make a new decision to replace that one.

Give Yourself a Deadline

Overthinking and over-researching can become your whole identity if you let it in the decision-making process, so give yourself a deadline. My deadline changed a few times because as I knocked out the research, things went faster than I expected, and I was able to move up my timeline. Decision fatigue is real, and if you let it, it can ruin your ability to actually make a move to get to where you want to be.

Make the Decision and Start Moving

Once I make a decision, I like to move in a way that makes the decision a reality versus trying to go back and reopen the question of whether it’s the right one or not. I always give myself the ability to change my mind if I feel like the decision wasn’t the right one, especially if new information comes up that supports backing out. A good example is that I planned a hosted group trip to New Orleans for women, and as I got further into the process, I realized I didn’t think I would actually enjoy hosting people, as I am rather moody and tend to get frustrated with people’s antics (and there are always antics with group trips). It was a great exercise for me to see what I really wanted and didn’t, and changing my mind was the right thing to do. My move to Paris, though? No looking back!

Having Faith that I'm Making the Right Choice

We are not all able to predict the future outcome of our decisions, and sometimes we don’t know if the decision we made was the right one. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whether you agree or not, that’s my own belief. In my 40-something years, I have had some pretty tragic things happen and some absolutely outstanding things happen. None of it feels regrettable.

When your body can relax into the decision and you continue to move forward, it’s a good sign that things are moving in the right direction. There’s always the possibility that, at some point, that could change. At that time, you make another decision. Life is not static, and we have to accept that each and every day comes with loads of choices, and once in a while there’s a big one mixed into it.

Ask yourself how you feel, if it’s aligned with your values, and if it’s fitting the lifestyle you want. If it’s a yes, then you’re doing just fine. You may not get a direct sign from the heavens and a booming voice that you’re on the right path, but you’ll often feel it in your body, too. There’s always another decision you could’ve made, and if you decide you want to make it in the future, you can. As I was telling a friend recently: there are really no rules in adulthood. You can be whatever you want, whenever you want. I went from living in a city that I grew up in, owning a real estate company, to being a writer in Paris. What the actual?? And I’m not special. You can do this, too.

Gather the information, make the decision, and live your life with as few regrets as possible. Listen to yourself and your body, and believe that you’re on the right path. And if that path starts to get fuzzy, it might just be time for another decision.

If you liked this blog, you might also like the one I wrote about why is growth mindset important or ways to find your authentic self.

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